We've gotta Glo

2007-06-02T11:14:00.000-07:00

The phrase "in the dark" as I'm sure you know, can refer not only to one's shadowy surroundings, but also to the shadowy secrets of which one might be unaware. Every day, the sun goes down all over these secrets, and so everyone is in the dark in one way or another. If you are sunbathing in a park, for instance, but you do not know that a locked cabinet is buried fifty feet below your blanket, then you are in the dark even though you are not actually in the dark. Whereas if you are on a midnight hike, knowing full well that several ballerinas are following close behind you, then you are not in the dark even if you are in fact in the dark. Of course, it is quite possible to be in the dark in the dark, as well as to be not in the dark not in the dark, but thare are so many secrets in the world that it is likely that you are always in the dark about one thing or another wheather you are in the dark in the dark or in the dark not in the dark, although the sun can go down so quickly that you may be in the dark about being in the dark in the dark, only to look around and find yourself no longer in the dark about being in the dark nonetheless, not only because of the dark, but because of the ballerinas in the dark, who are not in the dark about the dark, but also not in the dark about the locked cabinet and you may be in the dark about the ballerinas digging up the locked cabinet in the dark, even though you are no longer in the dark abour being in the dark, and so you are in fact in the dark about being in the dark, even though you are not in the dark about being in the dark, and so you may fall into the hole that the ballerinas have dug, which is dark, in the dark, and in the park.

Hahahaha!

2007-04-26T23:29:00.000-07:00

This is the first thing on You Tube that I have actually found hilarious. It had me in tears.

2007-03-25T13:59:00.000-07:00

YAY!!! The Delirious? Concert is tomorrow!!!!!!!

I'm so excited.

To make everything better my friend Jeff at KDUV sent me an mp3 of Stu G (the guitarist) saying hi to me! Sooooo cool. Im super excited to be able to see them again.

This will be my 6th Delirious? concert in a little over 5 years.

2007-03-13T15:52:00.000-07:00

The Delirious? Concert is in about two weeks. I am soooooooooo excited.

yeah.

It's true.

2007-03-11T22:59:00.000-07:00

©Sam Brown

2007-02-24T16:37:00.000-08:00

So...... I am the camp photographer this summer!!! I am so excited!!!!!

2007-02-19T16:34:00.000-08:00

Life... It's like gettin' a blueberry muffin in a coffeeshop when what you ordered was the apricot-nut. There aren't any apricots or nuts in it, and you can get tied up in knots just thinkin' about what your missin', when the smarter thing to do is realize that blueberries have a nice taste too.

I read this in a book last night. Something the janitor said to the main character. Janitors are always so smart.

2007-02-12T23:39:00.000-08:00

If I finally told people the truth... I mean, the real truth, would I still be ok here? Or would I have dug my own grave? Why is it so hard to let people know what is deep inside of me? The things I really think. The things I really do. The things I really believe. I want to be accepted here. To be truly accepted I must learn to be honest, but to be honest might mean rejection. Just one more bad or worse situation. It never ends.

Good bye Marc.

2007-01-23T20:09:00.000-08:00

So my boss, Marc, told me yesterday that this is his last week and that he will be going to work at a golf course off of Avenue 12.

Im very sad.

2006-11-12T15:56:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry, but I just dont like rap music. Especially not secular rap music. Sue me.

Let It All Come Out - Newsboys

2006-11-11T21:44:00.000-08:00

Who, who's touched you child?
Now you can't feel a thing, not anything
Who's been the one telling you lies?
Now you'll believe anything

Oh you gotta let,
Let it all come out.
Let, let it all come out
Right now.
Right now.

How, how many fires, to make you feel pure again, alive again?
And what will it take, what has to break, for you to begin again?
What will it take?

Oh you gotta let,
Let it all come out.
Let, let it all come out
Right now.
Right now.

Lift yourself out of it all
Out from the shadows to the sun
You gotta lift yourself out of it all
Yesterday’s over, a new day’s begun
You’re only sick as all your secrets
Let 'em all come out, let 'em come

Cuz the devil came to steal your name away
The devil came to give your name away

Oh let, let it all come out
Let, let it all come out
Let, let it all come out
Right now.
Right now.
Oh you gotta let, let it all come out
Let, let it all come out
Let, let it all come out
Right now.
Right now.

There's so much for you.
There's so much for you.

Photography??

2006-11-07T15:03:00.000-08:00

I have put a bunch of my photography on a website so people can look at it...

This is the url to my page http://glofreak.deviantart.com/

on the left there will be a section that says "Recent Deviations" under that there is a blue link that says "Browse Gallery"

Click on "Browse Gallery" too see my pictures. If you click on the thumbnail the photo will get bigger and if you click on it again it will get even bigger, to original size.

Im really excited because this is a new found talent!

I hope you enjoy my photographs!

2006-11-01T19:44:00.000-08:00

A gentle breeze from Hushabye Mountain
Softly blows o'er lullaby bay.
It fills the sails of boats that are waiting
Waiting to sail your worries away.
It isn't far to Hushabye Mountain
And your boat waits down by the key.
The winds of night so softly are sighing
Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.
So close your eyes on Hushabye Mountain.
Wave good-bye to cares of the day.
And watch your boat from Hushabye Mountain
Sail far away from lullaby bay.

I dont know about you, but I want to go there.

2006-10-29T14:53:00.000-08:00

When you're all alone,
Far away from home,
Here's a gift the angels send when you're alone.

Every day must end,
But the night's our friend.
Angels always send a star when you're alone.

At night when I'm alone
I lie awake and wonder
Which of them belongs to me?
Which one I wonder.

And any star I choose
Watches over me
So I know I'm not alone
When I'm here on my own.
Isn't that a wonder
When you're alone
You're not alone,
Not really alone.

The stars are all my friends
'Till the nighttime ends
So I know I'm not alone
When Im here on my own
Isn't that a wonder?
When you're alone,
You're not alone.
Not really alone.

And if you know where I got this from you will get about a thousand cool points!!

2006-10-23T21:02:00.000-07:00

I either want to disappear completely, or just go home. I can't disappear. And I can't go home either. So now Im stuck in this auto pilot mode where I dont really want to do anything.

2006-10-18T20:28:00.000-07:00

Looking into this room you will see many things. Apart from the wood-panel walls, the computers, and the lovely lamp on the floor casting its dim light throughout the room, you will see three girls. Two on the ground, one in a chair. All three silent. Two best friends, one outcast. All three roomates. Two so well connected to each other, one too shy. All three living in this place. Its interestin how the number 3 often leaves one behind. 3 shouldnt even be a number. Things would be eaiser kept at just one or two.

2006-10-16T00:31:00.000-07:00

In the end of all these thoughts the only thing that comes out of my mouth is "why?". In essence "why" is the ultimate question because it can always be asked, but not always have an answer. So I ask, why? Why go through life experiencing things like happiness when it all goes aray, it all just ends, and you sit there with nothing but a broken heart, a cloudy mind, and a lost hope...

2006-10-14T15:08:00.000-07:00

Sooo I got an email from musichristian.com that says "Amanda, Your MusiChristian.com order has shipped!"

Which means.......

THE DELIRIOUS? DVD IS ON ITS WAY!!!!!!!!

I'm excited. I cant wait for it to get here.

2006-10-10T20:38:00.000-07:00

So recently Ive been having random thoughts of "What if I just ran away and never told anyone that I was leaving or where I was going?" These thoughts make give me a happy feeling that if I wanted to, I could just leave and I wouldnt have to tell anyone where I was going. It would freak everyone out, and I'd feel bad about that, but the freedom of leaving and not caring about anyone is just such an interesting and exciting feeling.

2006-10-10T10:30:00.000-07:00

This is my favorite scene from RENT. Basically Angel is alredy dead, Joanne and Maureen have broken up and Rodger Mimi and Benny are all mad at each other. Collins is grieving the death of his lover, Angel, and Mark, as always, is stuck in the middle of it all. Mark is my favorite character.

MARK: (walking through the cemetary)
How Did We Get Here?
How The Hell...
Pan Left - Close On The Steeple Of TheChurch
How Did I Get Here?
How The Hell...Christmas
Christmas Eve - Last Year
How Could A Night So Frozen Be So Scalding Hot?
How Can A Morning This Mild Be So Raw?
Why Are Entire Years Strewn On The Cutting Room Floor Of Memory
When Single Frames From One Magic Night
Forever Flicker In Close-Up On The 3D Imax Of My mind
That's Poetic
That's Pathetic
Why Did Mimi Knock On Roger's Door
And Collins Choose That Phone Booth
Back Where Angel Set Up His Drums
Why Did Maureen's Equipment BreakDown
Why Am I The Witness?
And When I Capture It On Film
Will It Mean That It's The End
And I'm Alone?

MIMI:
It's True You Sold Your Guitar
And Bought A Car?

ROGER:
It's True - I'm Leaving Now For Santa Fe
It's True You're With This Yuppie Scum?

BENNY:
You Said You'd Never Speak To Him Again

MIMI:
Not Now

MAUREEN:
Who Said That You Have Any Say In Who She Says Things To At All?

ROGER:
Yeah!

JOANNE:
Who Said That You Should Stick Your Nose In Other People's...

MAUREEN:
Who Said I Was Talking To You?

JOANNE:
We Used To Have This Fight Each Night
She'd Never Admit I Existed

MARK:
Calm Down Everyone Please

MIMI: (to Rodger) He Was The Same Way - He Was Always"Run Away - Hit The RoadDon't Commit"-You're Full Of Shit!

JOANNE:
She's In Denial

MIMI:
He's In Denial

JOANNE:
Didn't Give An Inch When I Gave A Mile

MIMI:
I Gave A Mile!

MARK:
Come on!

ROGER:
Gave A Mile To Who?

MARK & BENNY:
Come On Guys Chill!

MIMI & JOANNE:
I'D Be Happy To Die For A Taste
Of What Angel Had
Someone To Live For-UnafraidTo Say I Love You!

ROGER:
All Your Words Are Nice Mimi
But Love's Not A Three Way Street
You'll Never Share Real Love Until you Love Your Self-I Should Know

COLLINS:
You All Said You'd Be Coll Today
So Please-For My Sake...
I Can't Believe He's Gone
I Can't Believe He's Going (to Roger)
I Can't Believe This Family Must Die. Angel Helped Us Believe In Love
I Can't Believe You Disagree

ALL:
I Can't Believe This Is Goodbye.

(Mark and Rodger later)
MARK:
I Hear There Are Great Restaurants Out West

ROGER:
Some Of The Best. How Could She?

MARK:
How Could You Let Her Go?

ROGER:
You Just Don't Know...How Could We Lose Angel?

MARK:
Maybe You'll See Why When You Stop Escaping Your Pain At Least Now If You Try-Angel's DeathWon't Be In Vain

ROGER:
His Death Is In Vain.

MARK:
Are You Insane? There's So Much To Care About There's Me-There's Mimi-

ROGER:
Mimi's Got Her Baggage Too

MARK:
So Do You

ROGER:
Who Are You To Tell Me What I Know,What To Do

MARK:
A Friend

ROGER:
But Who, Mark, Are You?
"Mark Has GOt His Work"They Say "Mark Lives For His Work"And "Mark's In Love With His Work"Mark Hides In His Work

MARK:
From What?

ROGER:
From Facing Your Failure, Facing Your Loneliness,Facing The Fact You Live A Lie.Yes, You Live A Lie - Tell You Why You're Always Preaching Not To Be Numb When That's How You ThriveYou Pretend To Create And Observe When You Really Detach From Feeling Alive

MARK:
Perhaps It's Because I'm The One Of UsTo Survive

ROGER:
Poor Baby

MARK:
Mimi Still Loves RogerAre You Really Jealous Or Afraid That Mimi's Weak

ROGER:
Mimi Did Look Pale.

MARK:
Mimi's Gotten Thin Mimi's Running Out Of Time And You're Running Out The Door-

ROGER:
No More! I've Gotta Go

MARK:
Hey! For somebody who's always been let down Who's heading out of town?

ROGER:
For someone who longs for a commmunity of his own, who's with his camera, alone?
I'll call
I hate the fall
(Mimi re-enters)

ROGER:
You Heard?

MIMI:
Every WordYou Don't Want Baggage Without Lifetime GuaranteesYou Don't Want To Watch Me Die?
I Just Came To Say Goodbye Love, Goodbye Love,
Came To Say Goodbye, Love, Goodbye

MIMI:
Just Came To Say Goodbye Love
Goodbye Love
Goodbye Love,
Goodbye!

(Roger leaves, Benny enters)

ROGER:
GloryOne Blaze Of Glory Have To Find

MIMI:
Please Don't Touch Me Understand I'm ScaredI Need To Go Away

MARK:
I Know A Place - A Clinic

BENNY:
A Rehab?

MIMI:
Maybe--Could You?

BENNY:
I'll Pay

MIMI:
Goodbye Love
Goodbye Love
Just Came To Say Goodbye Love
Goodbye
Just Came To SayGoodbye Love
Goodbye Love
Goodbye Love
Hello - Disease

[Mimi runs away. Collins is booted from the funeralhome when he can't pay the bill. Benny offers to pay;hen he and Collins go drinking. Mark stays behind toprepare for his meeting with "Buzzline".]

2006-10-07T22:20:00.000-07:00

So this evening Robin, Amber, Stephanie, and myself went down to Oakhurst for a while to hang out and watch TJ's Robin Hood II. It was a really good movie, considering it was written by, produced by, and starred by local kids. I was impressed though.

On the way back Stephanie was talking about this old mill that is on the side of the Sierra Sky Ranch road. Robin kept saying it was really creepy so I said I wanted to see it. Robin slowed down when Stephanie thought we were close. Robin kept saying "we arent going to see it. Its too dark." Then in this field... we saw it. This dark grey cylinder shaped building. Robin stopped and as soon as we saw it we all started screaming. It was the scariest building I have ever seen in my life. I have never had an uncontrolable scream come out of my mouth ever. It was really weird. I will never be completely comfortable going down that road ever again. Im kinda mad they pointed it out to me. Seriously. I think it is some sort of porthole to hell. Then the whole way up the hill we were all just shakey and nervous and we kept seeing things and it was scary... kinda fun, but scary. I never want to see that place at night again. Im not even sure if I want to see it in the day...

Let's build a mountain.

2006-10-02T21:01:00.000-07:00

2006-10-01T13:10:00.000-07:00

I washed my car today!!!!!

...then it started raining...

figures.

Dont laugh, that's not funny.

2006-09-30T23:31:00.000-07:00

i dont even care anymore.

2006-09-29T20:23:00.000-07:00

I love you too mom..........
Why even freaking leave that out in the open where God and whole world can see it??
What an idiot.
She had promised me she quit.
Whatever.
Promises never count.

2006-09-28T22:55:00.000-07:00

In the dark with the music on
Wishing I was somewhere else
Taking all your anger out on me,
somebody help
I would rather rot alone
Than spend a minute with you
I'm gone, I'm gone

And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault

How could you hate me?
When all I ever wanted to be was you?
How could you love me?
When all you ever gave me were open wounds?

Downstairs the enemy sleeps Leaving the TV on
Watching all the dreams we had turn into static
Doesn't matter what I do
Nothing's gonna change
I'm never good enough

And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault

Tell me why you broke me down and betrayed my trust in you
I'm not giving up, giving in when will this war end?
When will it end??

You can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault.

These lyrics to a Skillet song are dedicated to my Grandma who I just had a wonderful conversation with on the phone.

2006-09-27T08:34:00.000-07:00

My car wont start.

Again.

2006-09-26T16:54:00.000-07:00

I painted a picture yesterday. I really like it. It's probably the best painting I've ever done.

2006-09-22T22:58:00.000-07:00

These are some pictures from the VERY DAY that I became a Delirious? fan.

July 7th, 2001

Haha, blame Bill and Matt for that. (Pictures taken by Becky Smith. Recived from www.delirious.org.uk)

2006-09-22T11:20:00.000-07:00

I think I just had a panic attack. I got really really irrationally scared all of a sudden. Then I got dizzy and thought I was going to throw up. Then, because I was dizzy I couldnt see for a second and I got even more scared. It kinda felt like the panic you get when you're stuck in a tight place and you cant move your arms or your legs to get out.

Im still all shakey and dont feel very good.

2006-09-21T18:08:00.000-07:00

1829 posts.... Im going to make it to 2000 before next week or I'll deprive myself of chocolate.

dont know what I'm talking about?

http://dforum.troikamusic.co.uk/

I'm GloFreak. The obsession continues.

2006-09-19T22:23:00.000-07:00

What the heck? Can't anyone just ever sit quietly? How come whenever it finally gets quiet someone has to say "hey! Lets put on some music!" howabout "No! Lets just enjoy quiet!" Why are people so afraid of quiet? Are they afraid of what they might think if their brains arent occupied? If I dont get some silence soon I might go crazy.

Now is the Time. Live at Willow Creek.

2006-09-19T17:39:00.000-07:00

Soo.... Yesterday I ordered the new Delirious? DVD/CD that comes out next month. I was really excited because if I was one of the first 2000 I would get a free poster with it! Well, because I dont live in the UK Fierce Distribution (Delirious?'s official distribution company) cancelled my order. They said....

"Hi Amanda,
Thankyou for your order.
Unfortunately we do not actually have the rights to sell this product to customers in the US. What I will do is get our accounts department to give you a full refund on your order and cancel the order.
Although we cannot sell this DVD to the US, there is an American site called www.musicchristian.com which you can buy it from.

Please accept my apologies for any inconvenience caused.

Thanks again,
With Kindest Regards,
Sam Hubbard"

Now, my first reaction was anger because I wanted to be one of the first 2000 and get that poster. My second reaction was excitement because I got an email from someone at Fierce!!! (I know I'm a dork) So I emailed him back saying...

"Thank you. This makes me sad. Does that mean I can't be one of the first 2000 and get a poster?? Honestly, I think that's really unfair. I'm a HUGE fan and I would like the have to opportunities that the UK fans have.
thanks anyways.
-Amanda"

So then he replied again and said...

"Hello,
I can understand how this could seem unfair. If you can order the DVD from somewhere else, and drop me an email at the start of October, I will send you out one of the posters separately.
I hope that this is a help to you, and that you will enjoy the DVD.

With Kindest Regards,
Sam Hubbard"

So that made everything better. I just hope I still get the DVD with the special edition packaging.

Oh my gosh. How obsessed can I get???

Walking in the Air.

2006-09-18T22:04:00.000-07:00

We're walking in the air, we're floating in the moonlit sky. The people far below are sleeping as we fly. We're holding very tight, I'm riding in the midnight blue. I'm finding I can fly so high above with you.
Far across the world the villages go by like trees, the rivers and the hills,the forest and the streams.
Children gaze open mouthed, taken by suprise. Nobody down below believes their eyes.
We're surfing in the air, we're swimming in the frozen sky. We're drifting over icy mountains floating by.
Suddenly swooping low on an ocean deep, arousing of a mighty monster from its sleep.
We're walking in the air, we're floating in the midnight sky, and everyone who sees us greets us as we fly.

2006-09-18T21:09:00.000-07:00

this picture makes me happy.

2006-09-18T20:53:00.000-07:00

I saw a UFO last night and no one can tell me I didn't.

Looking Back.

2006-09-15T22:19:00.000-07:00

Looking back, it doesnt seem that long ago
when I was held in his arms and he told me he loved me.
Looking forward, it seems so long to go
untill I am held in someones arms and they tell me they love me.

Crossing over, the wind at my back

pushing me somwhere I might be scared to go.

Going under, hiding what I lack
hiding deep, I cant be touched, no one will know.
Crying out, hoping no one hears me
hoping I can carry on without this in my way.
Crying up, hoping he hears me
hoping that this isnt the only way.
Stepping forward with fear in my expression
can you sense my confusion it seems all I've ever felt.
Stepping back, suveying the situation
how can I move forward when I hate myself?
Staring out, I dont deserve this view of the moon.
How I got this far, I dont know how .
Staring down, I feel so little in this room
forget the rest of the world, lets focus on now.
Looking back, it doesn't seem that long ago
When I was held in his arms and he told me he loved me.
Looking forward, id sees so long to go
until I'm held in someones arms and they tell me they love me.

2006-09-13T21:39:00.000-07:00

I still dont feel like I fit.

Last night's adventure.

2006-09-12T12:04:00.000-07:00

So last night the commonfire staff attempted to go to Jone's store for dinner. We were having a bit of trouble with one of the vans so some people (including me) thought it would be more fun to take the Calvin Crest bus so that we could all be together. Little did we know, the bus went about 10 miles per hour on anything remotely up hill. So what was supposed to be a 45 minute trip turned into a 3 hour trip. We made it to the porta potty at the turn off and came straight back to camp. Everyone was tired and hungry. We got to the bottom of Calvin Crest road on Sierra Sky Ranch when the bus completely died. Most of us, being too lazy to walk decided to sqeeze ourselves into the back of Dave's truck. Now, this wasnt a huge truck. Just a normal truck with a tool box in the back. We sqeezed a total of 17 people and 1 dog into the bed of the truck. Plus the 5 in the cab brings the total number of people in Dave's truck going up Calvin Crest road to a whopping 22! It was simply amazing. Notice the picture. At the end of the night we ended up eating pizza in the ranch house. I thought it was a great night.

2006-09-05T15:59:00.000-07:00

ok, I just had a really wierd dream. I dont even know what it means, It started off with me hiding in the house while police where trying to get in through the boarded up windows and doors. Dust was flying everywhere and I had no idea what was going on. After a few minutes they got in a swarmed all around me. Then I was in the car with my grandma and she was taking me to the police station and I was really mad. She was also really mad at me telling me how stupid I am and how could I have let this happen and I need to be more responsible. I was silent. Then when we got there they cuffed me and I was so angry I started yelling and crying "Its not fair! I didnt even do it! Why do I have to go to jail for something my cousin did!??" In my dream I had a cousin who did something bad. I dont know what. And for some reason the law said that if they couldnt find him then the next person closest to his age in the family would be arrested in his place. Totally unfair. And apparently some lawyer lady had given me a card that would have saved me from this but I had lost the card. And she was there while I was being cuffed saying "You shouldnt have lost it." The tall gray-haired warden took me through some doors. We were in a large hall way and girls my age were everywhere. They all had pale skin and they were all so skinny. Some where turning mills. Some were washing clothes. Some where grinding grane. The warden led me to my cot and told me in a sarcastic voice "get comfortable" then he laughed and walked off. The whole time I was crying really hard. Just an overwhelming feeling of sadness. It was so real. I could feel the heat in my cheeks and my vision would blur everytime tears welled up in my eyes. Then I noticed a mirror on the wall, and it was all fogged over. Then I heard a voice say "I take care of my children." I was just staring at the mirror. Then the voice said "Watch" and slowly the mirror became clearer. Then I could see myself with my brown "jail clothes" and my messed up hair and tear stained eyes. Then in my reflection I saw a little paper sticking out of my pocket. I pulled it out and it was the card that I had lost! It was the card that would get me out! It was the card that would save me! I was so happy! I ran over to the warden yelling "I found it!! I found it!!" Then as soon as he took it in his hands to look at it the paper changed magically into a regular blank peice of paper. He threw it at my face and laughed at me. I started crying again.
then I woke up. it was the most vivid dream I've had in a while.

Oh well.

2006-09-04T23:28:00.000-07:00

ok, so there was this dream that I had been holding onto. When my mom is sane enough for me to talk to her we would talk about this big plan. In this dream she would pay off all of her child support and be able to get a passport. Then me and her would fly to England and have a lot of fun. Then after that we would fly to Australia. We have both always wanted to go to both of those places. When we got to Australia we would go to the Australia zoo and watch Steve Irwin's crocodile deomonstration and then heckle him until he came over and talked to us. He was our favorite person to watch on TV. So many good memories sitting with my mom watching that show. And talking about that plan would get us both so happy and for a minute we would be a normal mother and daughter. Now that is all shot to hell. She was really upset when she found out Steve had died. She doesnt want to watch any of his stuff and she doesnt want to talk about our former plan. This sucks. I've lost my connection with her. Yeah, Im sad one of my favorite people is dead, and Im sad I will never get to cross him off of my "people I want to meet" list. But now I have to find out how to communicate with my mom without that. I really hoped that plan would come true one day too. Oh well. It would have never worked out. Just like everything else. I dont know why I even hoped it would. My grandma says me and my mom "are both idiots" for caring. Im sure she's so used to dreams being shattered she doesnt even notice when someone else's has. Its not so much Steve's death, I feel like more has died. I feel like I have to start over again trying to get that connection to my mom. Trying to find new ways to get those few precious moments where I can believe she loves me. So in a way, I feel like it was the death of my mom too. I've lost her. And I dont know if I can get her back. She is using more and more drugs than usual. I'm afraid she's going to die. I guess that's why I cant sleep.

2006-09-02T10:58:00.000-07:00

I JUST sent a note to Anthony Rapp...... !!!! AHHH!!!!

Ok, Im really excited because that means he's going to read what I wrote to him!

I've been watching him in RENT non stop for the past 2 weeks so its kind of wierd tht he might be reading something I wrote to him.... oh man. What if he replies? If he replies I will be SOOOOOOOOOOOO happy. Extrememly happy. He will be speaking in SanFran on Feb 14th and 15th. I want to go see him....

Anthony Rapp!!

A look into a bit of my mind. A rant. By Amanda MacDonald

2006-07-17T22:48:00.000-07:00

So I've had a bad couple of days. Who hasn't had a streak of days where you just feel really bad about everything? It's normal right? I mean. I just graduated. I have no idea what the heck I am going to do. Im not enrolled in any college. I dont have any real plans, and that is scary. Its scary when you have no idea what the future holds. Yes, tomorrow I am going to wake up at 7:15 and start my shift. Why isnt that good enough for me? Why do I feel the need to know years in advance what I will be doing? Why do I feel the need for a plan? Why is it so hard for me to get a plan that works? I dont want to end up like my mom and my brother. I dont want to end up a bum living off of my grandma. Is that really where I'm headed? To be a life sucker living off of social security and food stamps? I dont want that, but I dont know how to avoid it.
My friend Brooke sent me a post card from England. It brightened my day. I really want to go there someday. I was going to go in September, but now I might just stay here at camp. England can wait. I need to stay here and discover who Im really supposed to be. I need to stay here and realize that I am not a stupid bum that isnt going to college. I need to stay here and not meet up with my friends at the hookah bar and I need to stay here and be me and not be afraid of being put down for it. I need to stay here. I want to stay here. I love it here. Eventhough sometimes I dont act like it. I'm happy here. I hope I can start letting myself feel accepted. I have friends but I dont let myself accept that they are real friends. If they arent my real friends then it wont hurt as bad when something happens. Like a fight, or a move, or just something really dumb. If no one is my real friend then I will never be really hurt by them. Then I will just be getting hurt by people who arent my real friends and that doesnt hurt so bad. If I let myself believe that they are pretending to be my friends then it doesnt hurt so bad when they forget about me or when Im not invited. If they arent my real friends and they are pretending its easier to lie to them and to hide things and to not dig too deep into their lives either. Just keep a distance. I guard myself. But its funny. As Im trying to keep myself from hurt, Im just hurting myself anyways because I wonder why I dont have any real friends. I always put myself in these circles. Im always caught in the middle of some mental circle. I need to stop. I need to realize that I do have real friends and I am worth something. I need to stop beating myself up every time I mess up. I need to stop thinking I need to impress people. I need to stop being afraid of people being mad at me. Maybe I just need to change me.

Useless

2006-07-07T19:35:00.000-07:00

So basically, I cant do anything.

I can't help.

I just can't do it.

I wish I could help them so much!!! I wish I could make everything better! Not just for my benefit, but I know they would be happier too! Why cant I do anything? Why be given something I can't do anything about? What the heck is the point? Why must everything that makes me happy, makes me secure get taken away? Why can't I just have a bit of stability on this earth? Would that be so hard God? Just a bit of stability so that I can function normally here? Its so hard to be stranded all the time.

2006-06-30T16:53:00.000-07:00

I really dont want to be frustrated while Im here. I wanted to escape for a while. Its just so hard. I called my grandma today. She says she doesnt want to deal with anything that's happening. She doesnt want Billy to come back. She says its better he stays where he is, but I dont want to lose both my brothers in one year.

I just dont know.

Maybe its better if I just stop caring all together about everything.

2006-06-16T10:24:00.000-07:00

The second week of camp is almost over and I'm loving ever minute of it.

Yes, I have to clean toilets.
Yes, I have to mop floors.
Yes, sometimes I have to work on getting mold off of a wall until almost 9pm

but Im so happy this is my job.

Its not just about the job. Its about the place. I love Calvin Crest, so I love my job. Even if it is cleaning toilets.
Calvin Crest is the only place I've ever been to where people cry when their job is done and its time for them to go home after the summer.
If that doesnt say something about this place, I dont know what does.

I'm outta here!

2006-05-25T09:55:00.000-07:00

Well I did it. I thought I wasnt going to do it but I did it.

I get to Graduate!!!! I get to walk! I did it!

I'm so happy.

2006-05-18T08:22:00.000-07:00

So Im sitting here listening to Air1 radio and a song just came on that was on one of my camp videos. I love camp and it makes me wish I was there right now instead of here. And it also makes me really happy because I will be at camp in about 2 weeks. I cant wait for this summer to start. I guess if I want to be cheezy and put a Delirious? lyric in here I would say "waiting for the summer, we'll be laughing, we'll be dancing, nothing more to say, its a beautiful day."

I cant wait .

2006-05-16T12:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, I just found this guy named Julian Beever. He is SO COOL!

Check him out.

http://users.skynet.be/J.Beever/pave.htm

he does amazing 3-D chalk drawings. So cool.

2006-05-16T10:06:00.000-07:00

Soo..... Im super stressed out and I hate it. Everything is going wrong.

School work is going wrong. Why arent there 3o hours in a day? That would help.

Church is going wrong. You'd think in a youth group of 3 communication wouldnt be a problem.

Calvin Crest staff papers are going wrong. I sent them today. They were due yesterday. The DMV is being a big fat jerk and screwing me over, and we couldnt find my birth certificate and I have no idea what the finger print papers are because they werent sent to me and they werent on the website and this stupid computer doesnt have a PDF reader and everything is all messed up.

Grrrr.........

2006-05-09T10:10:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I wouldnt mind living in any of these places. :)

http://www.worth1000.com/entries/232500/232577bgJF_w.jpg
http://www.worth1000.com/entries/232000/232333DIlh_w.jpg
http://www.worth1000.com/entries/192000/192365BGIF_w.jpg
http://www.worth1000.com/entries/123500/123876wCfB_w.jpg

2006-05-02T10:41:00.000-07:00

This weekend was 30 hour famine. It was hard, but it was so much fun. I really loved it this year. Not only did a learn a lot, but I had a lot of fun.
There were a lot of firsts.
-First time I won Sardines.
-First time I have ever been injured by a pew.
-First time I played with floam.
-First time I saw how unfair the tribe game is!
-First time we didnt have music in the fellowship hall. (Stupid burglars)
-First time I've ever felt sick after eating Arby's.

yeah! It was great fun.

THIS weekend Im going up to San Jose for a purity retreat. I really dont know what they are going to tell me about purity that I dont already know or that hasnt already been ruined for me... but we'll see. If anything I can be a help for other girls.
On Saturday we are going to go to Great America for Spring Celebration. Its going to be fun. I'm going to see tobyMac, Jars of Clay, Building 429, Thousand Foot Krutch, Hawk Nelson and Falling Up. I like all of those bands! I can't wait.

2006-04-27T10:19:00.000-07:00

As I Grew Older

It was a long time ago.
I have almost forgotten my dream.
But it was there then,
In front of me,
Bright like a sun—
My dream.

And then the wall rose,
Rose slowly,
Slowly,
Between me and my dream.
Rose until it touched the sky—
The wall.

Shadow.
I am black.

I lie down in the shadow.
No longer the light of my dream before me,
Above me.
Only the thick wall.
Only the shadow.

My hands!
My dark hands!
Break through the wall!
Find my dream!
Help me to shatter this darkness,
To smash this night,
To break this shadow
Into a thousand lights of sun,
Into a thousand whirling dreams of sun!
-Langston Hughes

Today I read this poem. Its about a man who can see his dreams, his future, his happiness. But then as he grows older an obsticle grows and blocks his dreams. He knows he should break through the wall, but he is defeated. He cant find the strength to fight back.

It seems like as I grow older now, my opportunities to be who I want to be are harder and harder to find. When I make up my mind about who I want to be, the opportunity to be that has already past and I've already messed it up. Even people who reach their dreams, do they get to their goal and then think "Is this it?" It seems like everything I do, at the end I think "Is this it?" Like High School, I had big expectations, I thought High School would be fun and exciting. But after my first day I thought "Is this it?" Im afraid that I will go through life having too high of expectations of everything and not be satisfied with anything. I went on my first rollercoaster and I thought "Is this it?" When I watch a movie or read a book that everyone has been raving about I think "Is this it?" When I hear a "classic" song for the first time that everyone has seemed to love, like Stairway to Heaven, or Dream On, I think "Is this it?" I dont know if I'll ever stop thinking "Is this all there is? This isnt what I expected."

Superchic[k]

2006-04-24T08:08:00.001-07:00

So Sunday night I randomly went with my friend, Jay, to Livermore for a Superchic[k] concert. I wasnt too excited because I had seen them before and though I'm familiar with their songs, I'm not confident enough to sing along with most of them. I figured I would be Jay's navigator, read the mapquest directions, and just tag along. No. The concert rocked. We got there early. We were in the very front row, and the concert was just great. There was a lot of energy and a lot of rocking out. Apart from the bassist spitting water on everyone I liked every thing about the gig. The crowd was mostly 9-14 year old girls and that was kinda weird because tho Superchick may sound like a "Pre teen" girl band, they aren't. They sing about lots and lots of things little girls just wont understand. Its ok I guess, these girls will know the lessons before hand instead of hearing the songs and thinking "oh yeah, I should have heard this before I did that." So for that Im happy, they are getting a great message. For me, I've found I can relate to most of their songs. And for their songs I cant relate to, they still touch me.
Here are the lyrics to my favorite Superchick songs. (at the moment.)

One Girl Revolution
I wear a disguise I'm just your average Jane
The super doesn't stand for model
But that doesn't mean i'm plain
If all you see is how I look
You miss the superchick within
And I christen you Titanic
Underestimate and swim
I've got the rifle
Gonna be myself

chorus:
I'll be everything that I want to be
I am confidence in insecurity
I am a voice yet waiting to be heard
I'll shoot the shot, bang
That you hear 'round the world
I'm a one girl revolution

Some people see the revolution
But most only see the girl
I can loose my hard earned freedom
If my fear defines my world
I declare my independance from the critics and their stones
I can find my revolution
I can learn to stand alone

[chorus]

High School

chorus:
High school could be
a mini me of the rest of society
there's always a prom queen
there'll always be, always be sororities
but sadly some will be
eternally keeping score for popularity
and just 'coz they all do
doesn't mean we have to act like we're in high school
doesn't mean we have to act like we're in high school

High school is like a big competiton
beauty contest prom court is the mission
there can only be one queen, one king
everyone voting, everyone competing
but these are the rules the way of high school
if someone puts you down, thats so high school
someone talks behind your back, thats so high school
thinking you have to get them back thats also high school
i know i'll be graduating early
[chorus]

High school is like the state of the nation
some people never change after graduation
believing any light you shine makes theirs lesser
they have to prove to everyone that theirs is better
these are the rules the ways of high school
if someone puts you down, that's so high school
believing their too cool for you, that's so high school
if you believe it too, that's also high school
i know i'll be graduating early
[chorus]

We've all got bad yearbook photos
which we've forgot to let go
and just like acne our insecurity
should be something left with the jv
so here's to letting go of yearbook photos
things we kept that hold us down
so that was yesterday
there's always tomorrow
we are tomorrow, we are tomorrow
so i know I'll be graduating early
[chorus]

Hero

No one sits with him, he doesn't fit in
But we feel like we do when we make fun of him
Cause you want to belong do you go along?
Cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong
It's not like you hate him or want him to die
But maybe he goes home and thinks suicide
Or he comes back to school with a gun at his side
Any kindness from you might have saved his life
Heroes are made when you make a choice

Chorus:
You could be a hero
Heroes do what's right
You could be a hero
You might save a life
You could be a hero,
You could join the fight
For what's right, for what's right, for what's right

No one talks to her, she feels so alone
She's in too much pain to survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm, wants to give up her life
Each day she goes on is a day that she's brave,
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way,
Each moment of courage her own life she saves
When she throws the pills out a hero is made
Heroes are made when you make a choice.

[Chorus]

No one talks to him about how he lives
He thinks that the choices he makes are just his
Doesn't know he's a leader with the way he behaves
And others will follow the choices he's made
He lives on the edge, he's old enough to decide
His brother who wants to be him is just nine
He can do what he wants because it's his right
But the choices he makes change a nine year old's life
Heroes are made when you make a choice

[Chorus]

Rap:
Little Mikey D. was the one in class who everyday got brutally harassed
This went on for years until he decided that never again would he shed another tear
So he walked through the door, grabbed the fourty-four out of his father's dresser drawer
And said I can't take life no more
And like that life can be lost
But this ain't even about that
All of us just sat back and watched it happen
Thinkin' it's not my responsibility to solve a problem that isn't about me
This is our problem
This is just one of the daily scenarios which we choose to close our eyes
Instead of doing the right thing
If we make a choice and be the voice for those who won't speak up for themselves
How many lives would be saved, changed, rearranged
Now it's our time to pick a side
So don't keep walkin' by
Not wantin' to intervene
Cause you wanna exist and never be seen
So let's wake up and change the world
Our time is now

Chorus:
You could be a hero
Heroes do what's right (our time is now)
You could be a hero
You might save a life (our time is now)
You could be a hero, (our time is now)
You could join the fight
For what's right, for what's right, for what's right

(the remixed version, witht he rap part that I posted really made the song stand out to me. It is such an amazing song. I would buy the Remix album JUST for this song.)

Princes and Frogs

Chorus:
All princes start as frogs
and all gentlemen as dogs
Just wait till its plain to see
What we're growing up to be
Cause Some frogs will still be frogs
And Some dogs will still be dogs
Some boys could become men
Just don't kiss us 'til then.

You hate men is what you say and I understand how you feel that way
All girls dream of a fairy tale
But what you've got's like a used car salesman
Trying to conceal what's wrong behind a smile and the song (la la la la)
And I'm not saying that boys are not like that (what you talkin about baby?)
But I think you should know (you should know)
That some of us will grow
Because. . .

[Chorus]

You found him is what you say and we all want you to feel that way
But the frog you've got seems cute enough to kiss
And maybe frogs seem like that's all their is
But just because you haven't found your prince yet
Doesn't mean you're still not a princess
And what if if your prince comes riding in while you're kissin' a frog
What's he gonna think then
So look into his eyes
Are you a princess or a fly?

[Chorus]

Yeah... thats all the lyrics I will torture you with for now. It really was a great show.

2006-04-21T10:42:00.000-07:00

It's Friday.

Mandatory Senior meetings are a waste of time.

Never try to fit 630 seniors into a theater that holds 300 people.

Learn about acoustics before setting up speakers in a gym.

Never steal someone's Telecaster.

I have not read one poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Sue me.

I have failed. I might not graduate.

It's my mom's birthday.

My little brother will grow up to be one of those murderers you see on TV. He's seven and last night he broke into someones house so he could watch TV. He sees nothing wrong with this.

I am using computer number 16 in the library.

This library has nothing by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

I dont know why im posting this.

I dont really know why I do alot of the things I do.

Why should this be any different?

It isnt.

Because nothing is different.

Ever.

2006-04-18T10:10:00.000-07:00

This week was so much fun.

On Friday I moved. It was a lot of work, but I did it. And Im happy I did it.

On Saturday Rich came!!! It was so exciting. We picked him up from the AirPort and then went and ate at Arby's. Sarah, Gary, Natalie, Jay, Candice, my mom, my grandma and my little brother ate with us so that they could all start to get to know him. It was nice.

On Sunday we went to church. Nothing out of the normal there. Rich tried his first Penut Butter and Jelly sandwich. I dont think he liked it much.

On Monday we went to Yosemite with John, Sarah, Natalie, and Jay. It was amazing. The fog, though it blocked the veiw of some things, seemed to make things better, the way it creeped through the valley. It almost looked like smoke. Perfect smoke. It was great. Also because of the snow melt the waterfalls were full.

On Tuesday Rich and I did nothing. That's right, nothing. It was wonderful. We watched a movie, ate, watched some more TV, ate, slept, ate, and then watched more TV! It was nice.

On Wednesday we went to the mall with Jay and Natalie. We had a good time crusing around town. Rich had his first experience at Denny's. Then in the evening we went to church.

On Thursday we went to Pismo and Morrow Bay with my grandma, mom, and little brother. It was... interesting. We werent on the road for more than an hour and me and my little brother had already gotten in a fight that ended with him biting me. Other than my brother being a brat, it was a nice trip. The weather was perfect.

On Friday my grandma drove Rich and I to Calvin Crest. I wanted Rich to see where I would be all summer. He seemed impressed with what he saw. We saw Cory and Lyndsay there. We also saw this dog named Chicken. Chicken was..... I dont know how to describe Chicken. In just 3 minutes Chicken ate part of a fence, stole and broke open a new stack of cups, and started eating the branches off of a small tree. He was a really sweet dog though.

On Saturday I was really frustrated the whole day. My little brother was being a jerk and he stabbed in the back. Yeah, he litterally stabbed me with a sharp object. So I was in a bad mood. Then I got in a worse mood when I went to the church to practice for the Easter Program. I walked into the church to hear "Dont touch anything the Sheriff Department is on their way." I was confused. I found out a few seconds later that the church had been broken into. The robbers stole; the church's acoustic guitar and case, my electric guitar, case, and pettal board, our moniters, our stack of recording equipment, our wireless microphones, our congas and bongos, a TV and a sterio. Yeah, the day before Easter. Lovely.
Astonishingly we had just enough to still do our Easter program. Parts of it had to simplified, but we could still do it. God was looking out for us.

On Sunday we had the Easter program. It was great. There weren't many dry eyes at the end of it.

Yesterday Rich left. It was sad. I watched him walk away down the long hallway towards his plane. He kept looking back and I almost cried. But I held it in till I got home. Then I cried. But I will see him in September and it will be great.

Birthday!

2006-04-06T10:24:00.000-07:00

Its my birthday!!! YAY!!!! Im happy. People treat you different when you're 18. In a mean way. I've heard 3 or 4 people tell me "You're 18, go get a job!" Like Im a bum or something. I try to explain that I've been hired at Calvin Crest but that job doesnt start until the summer, but apparently that's not a "real job".

Oh well. I had cake for breakfast and I have the Chronicles of Narnia collectors DVD and I have a Union Jack sweater and a Rain Down T-shirt. That makes me happy.

(If only I could find my hat. I really really miss my hat. :()

2006-04-05T10:48:00.000-07:00

17 years ago today, my father died.

interesting huh?

The weird thing is, Im not sad. I mean, yeah it sucks that he's gone and that I dont have him with me, but Im not sad that he's not here anymore. Im more sad in how he went, not the fact that he's gone. If that makes sense...

New Camera

2006-04-04T10:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my grandma got me a new digital camera. I've never had my own camera before and I'm having a lot of fun with it.
It's a Sony Cybershot DSC-P200. It's pretty sweet.

This Week

2006-04-03T10:35:00.000-07:00

Monday(today): I am going to go get a digital camera! I'm very excited because I've never had a real camera. I've always just used cheap throw-away cameras. Not anymore! Yay! A new camera!

Tuesday: The Chronicles of Narnia DVD comes out. Need I explain more?

Wednesday: Nothing is really happening, except Church. Not that that isnt exciting, I just go to church every wednesday. That's all.

Thursday: My birthday! I will be 18 years old on this day. :)

Friday: On this day I will move back into my mom and grandma's house. Though it almost killed me, that was my decision. Im happy its over and that Im just going to get it over with.

Saturday: Richard is flying in from England!!!!!!!!! I cant wait!!! Im so excited.

Sunday: Rich will be at our church... and I might have dinner with my friends. We'll see.

Monday: First day of Spring Break. No School! I am going to take Rich to yosemite!!

And that's about all I have planned so far! I want to take Rich to Pismo, and also up to Calvin Crest so that he can get the "california experience" and just really see the places I've told him about. Soo yeah. Isnt life exciting?

Hmm......

2006-03-31T17:17:00.000-08:00

Its Friday. I love Friday.

Tomorrow I am going to spend the day with my family so that I can "See if I really want to live with them again" (at least, that's what joyce says) I still havent made up my mind!!! My family is saying "Yes! Come! Be with us! We love you!" while my granmda on my dad's side is saying "No! Evil awaits and will trap you in its deathly snare!", well, she didnt say it like that, but if she had thought of it she would have. While Joyce is saying "Its your choice!" and other people are saying "Do what makes you happy" but other people are saying "Dont just do it because it will make you happy."

And sadly, none of that helps.

Ah, are you digging on my grave?

2006-03-30T17:55:00.000-08:00

'Ah, are you digging on my grave
My loved one? -- planting rue?'
'No: yesterday he went to wed one of the brightest wealth has bred.
"It cannot hurt her now," he said,
"That I should not be true."'

'Then who is digging on my grave?
My nearest dearest kin?'
'Ah, no; they sit and think,
"What use! What good will planting flowers produce? No tendance of her mound can loose
Her spirit from Death's gin." '

'But some one digs upon my grave?
My enemy? -- prodding sly?'
'Nay: when she heard you had passed the GateThat shuts on all flesh soon or late,
She thought you no more worth her hate,
And cares not where you lie.'

'Then, who is digging on my grave?
Say -- since I have not guessed!'
'O it is I, my mistress dear,Your little dog, who still lives near,
And much I hope my movements here
Have not disturbed your rest?'

'Ah, yes! You dig upon my grave....
Why flashed it not on me that one true heart was left behind!
What feeling do we ever findTo equal among human kind
A dog's fidelity!'

'Mistress, I dug upon your grave
To bury a bone, in caseI should be hungry near this spot
When passing on my daily trot. I am sorry, but I quite forgot
It was your resting-place.'

-Thomas Hardy.

2006-03-28T15:17:00.000-08:00

I watched a friend take ecstasy today. I never ever want to see that again.

Lyrical Me.

2006-03-27T17:09:00.000-08:00

So I had to write an essay for creative writing. I ended up writing an essay about my spiritual journey using completely almost all lyrics from Delirious? songs I like. It took me forever and they used to be referenced and stuff but that was just too confusing.

"Looking into yesterday and all the dreams that heaven sent... and when I stand upon the land I threw the dreams into the sea. Maybe they will rise again." What I wanted yesterday is not so much what I want today. I change and I grow everyday. I’m never the same person twice. Lately "I’ve been standing with a blazing torch I’ve been looking where to run" and "I wont be satisfied ‘till I find what I’ve come for." But I guess that’s just who I am, always looking for something more, something deeper in the simple things. "It’s the simple things that satisfy, keep my feet on the ground and my head in the sky." "What can I do with my obsession with the things I cannot see? Is there madness in my being?" I once thought so. There was a time when I cried "I’m shaken up, I’m falling down, I’m feeling like the rug’s been pulled. Beneath my feet there’s shifting ground." My world was falling apart. I was thinking; "What is going on? Living on this roller coaster, up and down, twisting, turning, bruising, burning." I was confused. I was broken. Until one day when I was up in the mountains. A man was speaking to my youth group. He said "Jesus’ blood never fails me." "Did you feel the mountains tremble? Did you hear the oceans roar?" I did. I then realized "In a world where it’s love betrays, there is a light that will save the day." Then my song changed. I was now crying "oh lead me, to the place where I can find you." Then I made the decision "It’s time to take the path where many seem to fall."
Questions started flooding my mind. Questions like "why?" and "Oh when, will I learn from this?" "Why do you let us walk upon a cliff so steep when deep below the sea there lies a bed of gold? And if this should be my battle place, don’t let me fall, don’t let me fall." I cried "Keep me" "Can you hear me when there’s no sound?" Then my group started singing. We started my first worship session. I then realized "I love to sing with the angels" "Did you feel the darkness tremble when all the saints joined in one song? When all the streams flowed as one river to wash away our brokenness?" "Can you hear the sound that’s rising from all the corners of the earth?... Can you hear the praise? It’s louder than the radio." "A time of jubilee is coming." I was energized. I was alive. Inside I was screaming "Open up the doors and let the music play! Let the streets resound with singing!" "Investigate, I can’t wait. Excavate, recreate." I wanted to "Shout it out! From every rooftop sing! For now I know that God is for me not against me!" I went home from the mountain feeling good. Everything was in perspective. I went home singing, "The cross was the shame of the world, but the glory of God" but no one really understood what I was talking about. "And I’ve never felt so alien." "I’m on the outside looking in," but that was ok. All of a sudden I realized "I’m on the mezzanine floor, never been here before, its a lonely place" but I made up my mind "I’m gonna stand, I’m gonna run." "I’m not backing down." "I wont change my mind on the choices I’ve made." I started growing deeper in my faith. I started growing as a Christian. I started to break my own boundaries. I started to wonder, "Can I be somebody? Not what they want me to be. Just a pale reflection of what you want me to be." It wasn’t all fun and games, it was hard "Gravity’s pulling me, but heaven is calling me." "This world can get me all undone and I’m frightened I’m the only one. I wrestle with the thoughts I keep if I sow the seed of arrogance in its loneliness I’ll reap." By this time I was now entering my teens. I pretty much had my identity. I knew who I was, I knew what I believed. I didn’t think anything could bring me down. Then my big brother died. I was broken. "Here I am, in that old place again, down on my face again." "Sorrow came to steal my hope away, only tears can tell of this holy hour. This mountain’s high, too high." Instead of sinking into a hole I relied on my faith and I pulled out of it. "I want to sing again for my brother now, and find my way down this mountain." That pretty much brings us to where I am now. "Looking out like a little child, holding tight when it all gets wild." "Lifted up, I’ve climbed with the strength ahead, right to this mountain top." It "feels like it’s time to dream again." "I feel crazy when I dream like this." I’m singing again. "You may not hear it on the radio but you can feel it in the air." "Hear the sound, let it shake the ground." "Feel the music because it’s time to dance." I’m in a whole new place, it’s like my whole life is now "waiting for the summer." "I’m at this bolted door, and I’m coming through without permission. If I go they say I’m wrong. If I stay there’ll be no song." "I’m grabbing for miracles" I’ve got a new perspective, I’ve got new hope. "Yes it’s true today that when people stand with the fire of God and the truth in hand, we’ll see miracles. We’ll see angels sing. We’ll see broken hearts making history. I’m going to be a history maker." "Take me or leave me, don’t have to believe me." "I have to say I put on the line all of my faith all of the time." And even still, "tears sometimes fall upon my face, and join the oil of gladness." "I know uncertainty but truth lights the way." "I’m walking in the light, for its light that changes the atmosphere." And now "the tightrope’s swinging high, teach me to fly" "I’ve got wings so watch me fly." "So wake me, shake me, keep me sharp." "These are the days that we’ll look back upon when we’re old. Give me tomorrow because I cannot wait another day." "Grace is my story, hope is my song. God has been so good to me."

I always said d:? was the soundtrack for my life. Here's proof.

?????

2006-03-27T10:39:00.000-08:00

So I got the go ahead to move back in with my mom and my grandma. I really want to, but should I?

My tip for the day:
Enthusiasm greater than ability= Injury.

gig review.

2006-03-24T16:22:00.000-08:00

I must say, the Clovis gig last night Rocked. It was simply amazing. The energy was high and the crowd was awesome. They played LOTS and LOTS of their new songs and the crowd knew them all dead on. Martin was actually suprised when he stopped and let us sing the "OHOHOH No Compromise...." in "Now Is The Time". He was like "you know it!" then he kept making us sing on every other song, and we delivered. The crowd even seemed to know all the words to the older songs too like "What A Friend" and "Love Falls Down". The guys behind me during "Take Off My Shoes" were even vocalising the extra instramental parts on the cd that the d:? boys dont play live. However, Martin couldnt remember all the words. There was a part in the song "Solid Rock" that he just ended up going "do do do da do do do" in the tune of the song, but it didnt take away from the song at all. There was almost non stop jumping and non stop worshiping. It was great. Someone also yelled out "I like Tim Jupp!!!" really loud. It was the little things like that that made the night really funny, but because of those little moments, for the first time at a gig I felt like the people there were genuine fans. What was most amazing, was the diversity of the crowd. There were older people (40s-60s) Young adults (18-30) Teens, Pre-Teens, and even really small children (3-9) all in the first two rows! It was great. Every age group was just as excited as the others. The gig started out strong with "Here I am Send Me" and they played most of the songs on Mission Bell, but honestly I cant give you the order. They also played some songs from World Service. And, of course, they played the two great hits that no one can get enough of, "Did You Feel The Mountains Tremble?", and "History Maker". Sadly when I yelled for the Happy Song they seemed to conveniently ignore me. Over all, it was a great gig, I cant say that enough. They were having a bit of trouble with the lights. The problem being, they kept turning off. After the second time the lights went off Martin sang into the mic "Even when the lights go out, we keep on playing." crowd: "YEAH!!!" "Even when the lights go out, the people keep on singing" crowd: "YEAH!!!!!!!!" Stu and Martin talked about how they first came to Cali ten years ago. Martin said "Sadly that means we are ten years older than we we first came... we have a bit more kids now than ten years ago." then Stu said "Well, you do." It was funny. My mom enjoyed the concert, her favorite song was "Paint The Town Red" (suprisingly, I wasnt expecting that), and my little brother had a blast.The security guard in front of me said that that was his first Christian concert and he was very impressed. And already today at school I saw a boy with a Mission Bell shirt on. I also met a friend from Portland Oregon and we were going to get each other's email addresses but I was so distracted by the 5 guys in front of us I completely forgot. So if you are reading this.... email me!! (mandymacd88@hotmail.com) Anyways... I was also impressed by all the new merchandise! I kept looking at things thinking "ooh I want that... ooh! I want that!! OOH!!! I really want that!!" I couldnt get everything, but I did get a new hat, a new shirt and some new buttons! Yay new buttons! And yes, as I may have told some of you I was thinking about it, I did wear a "Have you seen Dave Wood?" shirt. They guys smiled when they saw it from the stage and then afterwards Jon was like "Actually I saw Dave last week!" So the shirt was a success. I thought it would be funny to wear one in California. But mostly ALL of the people there except for one were like "Who's Dave Wood?" Soo yeah... that was my experience at the Clovis gig! It was a great night, a great concert, a great and passionate crowd, and I can honestly say the boys played the best I have ever heard them.

Yesss.......... d:?!

2006-03-23T10:39:00.000-08:00

In 7-8 hours I am going to see DELIRIOUS?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im going to see Martin (and martin is my hero!), Stew, Jon, Tim, and Stu-G and it's going to Rock and im going to look for Lee Slater and im going to talk to Paul Smith (hopefully, if he's there) and its going to be great and my family will be there and my best friend Jay is going to be there and I am super excited and I love them and they are amazing and Im going to rock out and im wearing my rock out shoes and im going to wear a shirt that says "have you seen Dave wood?" and its going to be funny and no one will get it but me and the band and I will be happy and im going to try and take a picture with them and Im going to take lots of pictures OF them and im going to jump up and down and scream and sing really loud and im going to freak out and im going to have lots of energy and im not going to eat dinner and im going to get a new shirt and im going to get a cd signed and i am going to get a new poster and im going to see them and they are here! In my town!And the tickets are pretty and they have their picture on them and yesterday I thought i saw their bus! I saw two big tour busses and this morning I watched part of their DVD and im excited and and and and and Its today and I cant wait and its this evening they day has come. Im going to have so much fun. But best of all, Im going to worship.

2006-03-23T10:03:00.000-08:00

I've come to the realization that my mother's happiness should not be my main priority. In fact, it shouldn't even be my problem or responsibility at all.

Grrrrr....

2006-03-21T16:05:00.000-08:00

Apparently everyone thinks that as soon as I turn 18 I'm going to run away and quit high school. Now, I dont EVER remember these words coming out of my mouth. How about people just stop assuming things about me. OK? Can we do that please?

2006-03-20T11:51:00.000-08:00

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBSSunday Morning Commentary, Sunday, 12/18/05.

Herewith at this happy time of year, a few confessions from mybeating heart: I have no freaking clue who Nick and Jessica are. I see them on the cover of People and Us constantly when I am buying my dogbiscuits and kitty litter. I often ask the checkers at the grocerystores. They never know who Nick and Jessica are either. Who are they?Will it change my life if I know who they are and why they have brokenup? Why are they so important?
I don't know who Lindsay Lohan is either, and I do not care at allabout Tom Cruise's wife. Am I going to be called before a Senate committee and asked if Iam a subversive? Maybe, but I just have no clue who Nick and Jessica are.
If this is what it means to be no longer young. It's not so bad.
Next confession: I am a Jew, and every single one of myancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees.
It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.
I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution, and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.
Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?
I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too.
But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came from and where the
America we knew went to.
In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke, it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.
Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like thisHappen?"(regarding Katrina) Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives.
And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?
In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.
Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school . The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figureit out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell.
Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what theBible says.
Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.
Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.
Are you laughing?
Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it, or posting it.
Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

I agree with his words, and you dont like me for it. Too bad.

A better daughter.

2006-03-16T08:02:00.001-08:00

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move. Awake, but cannot open my eyes. And the weight is crushing down on my lungs, I can't breath, and I just hope someone will save me this time. And my mother is still calling me insane and high, swearin' it's different this time. So I tell her to give in to the demons that posess her and that God never blessed her inside. And I hang up the phone and feel badly for upseting things. Then I crawl back into bed to dream of a time when my heart was open wide and I loved things just because. Like the sick and the dying. And sometimes when I'm on, I'm really really on, and my friends all sing along and they love me. But the lows are so extreme that the good seems really cheap and it teases me for weeks in it's absence. But I'll fight and I'll make it through and I'll fake it if I have to and I'll show up the world with a smile. I'll be better and I'll be stronger and more grown-up and a better daughter and I real good friend. I'll be awake. I'll be alert. I'll be positve, though it hurts. I'll laugh and embrace all my friends. I'll be a real good listener I'll be honest, I'll be brave. I'll be beautiful. I'll be happy.

My ship may be coming in, I'm week but not giving in to the cries and the wails of the valley below. And I'll fight it and I'll go out fighting all of 'em.

iMac

2006-03-15T08:51:00.000-08:00

Today I have to use and old iMac. I hate iMacs. It is slow, the key board sticks, and it makes all of the webpages look really weird.

Im looking at this quilt right now, its hanging in the window and it is really weird. It has a black border and then red and yellow checkers just on the inside of the black, like a second border. Then in the middle it has a farm scene. There is a cow. A normal black and white one. On the cow there is a sheep. yeah, ON the cow. The sheep is standing ON the cow. And then ON the sheep there is a rooster. The rooster is holding an American flag in it's beak. On the ground there is a cat and a chicken also holding american flags. In the sky there are lots of stars even though the sky is baby blue and looks like day light. Im telling you, it's a weird quilt. I dont understand quilts. The only quilts I understand are the normal patchwork ones. With just random peices of fabric. And my Harry Potter quilt. I understand that one too. But any other quilt that tries to portray a message, I don't understand.

I am very bored.

yuck

2006-03-14T10:23:00.000-08:00

I dont feel good... :( I want to go home. To my home. The home with my mom and my grandma and my little brother. But I cant go to that home. I cant go home. Im stuck at school and Im stuck in a house with people who aren't my family.

Should I feel bad?

2006-03-14T08:23:00.000-08:00

Last night there was a death in the family of the people I live with. They were all sad and crying and Joyce and Gary (the mom and dad of the house) ran out the door to the hospital to be with Gary's dad who's heart had stopped. They left me there with Sarah (their daughter) who just sat in her room and cried over the loss of her grandfather. Now, I had only met the man about three times and from what I could see he was in bad shape. I can tell everyone is upset that he died. The problem is while Joyce in Gary were at the hospital mourning the loss of a father and Sarah was in her room mourning the loss of a grandfather all I could think about was "yes, I have control of the T.V." Is there something wrong with me? Should I have felt bad?

Photograph.

2006-03-13T10:08:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here staring at a photograph of you. The edges are all faded and worn, roughened by all I've put it through. The ink has begun to fade from all the times I've toched the image of your face. Your cocked head and braight eyes smiling at me, your image carved into my memory. I've carried this photograph everywhere with me. It's all I have of you. It's fading now and falling apart which tells me that it's time for you to come back here, you see, so that I can take a photograph of you, and carry it always and forever with me.

-Amanda MacDonald
inspired by a lady on the bus.

Today is Friday.

2006-03-10T09:17:00.000-08:00

I am happy that today is Friday. I like Fridays because every friday evening I get to hang out with my two best friends. Which is a lot of fun. Then it's Saturday and I get to sleep in, eat, and watch movies all day, which is also fun. However tomorrow, though I get to sleep in, I have to be at the church by 11am to practice music for the Easter program. I'm excited about this Easter program. Its going to be REALLY good. And plus, Rich will be there, which is an added bonus.

Mystery Bruise

2006-03-09T17:20:00.000-08:00

I was taking a shower last night and I noticed this HUGE bruise on my leg. It is amazing. I mean, its the perfect bruise. Almost perfectly round and it has the best colors. Seriously, im not crazy I promise. Personally, I think it looks like a planet, or some sort of galaxy. Im very proud of my bruise. The best part is.... I Have NO idea how it got there.

Trouble right here in River City.

2006-03-08T16:55:00.000-08:00

Ok so, the other day I got home from school late,
I got in trouble for being late.
Yesterday I got home from school a bit early,
I got in trouble for being early.
Today I get home from school right on time,
I got in trouble for NOT being early!!

What the heck?! I get in trouble for EVERYTHING I do. I cant ever please anyone.

Haha!

2006-03-08T07:56:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I had a quiz on the sport of Basketball for my PE class. I couldnt stop laughing throughout the test because the questions were so stupid! I get to question number 5 and it says "How many halfs are in a game?" And I think, are you serious? Then question number 6 says "How many quarters are in a game?" and I think, what the heck? Then question number 7 says "How many points is a 3 point shot worth?" and I asked the teacher "Are you serious?" he seemed to know exactly what I was talking about and said "It's been missed." Very amusing. And it rained yesterday! And it hailed! I like hail. I like watching hail, but I dont like being out in hail very much, it hurts. Well im going to go post on the d:scussion forum because I like it more than this. :)

I dont really know what else to say. I saw these crazy funny quotes so I guess I'll share those.

"If you're allergic to a thing its best not to put that thing in your mouth. Especially if that thing is cats."-series of unfortunate events

"Be alert! Cuz the world needs more lerts!"- bumper sticker

"Buckle up! It'll make it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car."-bumper sticker

"Knowledge is power and power corrupts. Therefore I cant do anymore homework or I might become evil."- my too smart little brother.

Tuesday.

2006-03-07T15:54:00.000-08:00

Sooooo......... today. What happened today?
This morning I awoke at the bright hour of 6o'clock to find that no one else had gotten up yet. This wasn't good news considering that they are my ride to the bus stop that I need to be at by 6:30. Now, I can get ready in that amount of time because I am an evening shower. My ride, however, is not. So finally around 6:20 he gets up and gets in the shower. Great. Im going to miss my bus. I hate missing my bus because that means I have to stand there for a half an hour to catch the next bus which is MUCH more crowded and has way more perverts than usual. So just for your info, route 41 that arrives at 7:12 is not a good bus. So we didnt even get out the door until 6:37. So yeah, I missed my bus. But that's ok. I was just a little bored because my iPod ran out of batteries but I kept the headphones in my ears anyways so that the weird guy would not talk to me. So I get to my mom's house at about 7:15. I walked in and saw that Sam was there. Sam is my little brother's older brother. It makes sense, I promise. Me and my little brother have the same mother, different fathers. Sam and my little brother have same fathers different mothers. See? Told you it would make sense. So I walk in and Sam is like "Oh! The long lost sister!" I said "Im not lost" then my mom said "You were for a while" I assumed she was reffering to when I wasnt speaking to anyone and never came over for about 6 months. So I ignored that comment. Sam isnt my favorite person and neither is Sam's father so today I was somewhat grateful I missed my first bus so I only had to spend 10 minutes with them instead or 45. So that was good. Then I went to school. I didnt go to my first period again, dont ask me why, cuz I dont know but I did go to all of my other classes. One of the good things about today is in PE we are going to start playing Ultimate Frisbee. Now, Im not much of a sport's player but I do like Ultimate Frisbee because it reminds me of Camp. If only I could teach my class how to play Ultimate Duck Duck Goose. THAT would be sweet!!! Tomorrow is Wednesday. And Wednesday means the week is almost over. And also there is church on Wednesday and I like going to church. (Note to self if I read this tomorrow: Give picture of you and d: to Natalie so that she can scan it and you can send it to d:'s myspace for the monthly fan pic.)

...?

2006-03-06T11:25:00.000-08:00

Yep I skipped 4th. Im such an idiot.

Here I go.

2006-03-06T09:55:00.000-08:00

Ok, Im sitting here in the Career Center at Bullard High School in Fresno California. I have already missed my first, second and third period classes and Im thinking of missing my fourth as well. What am I doing? Why do I constantly try to ruin my life? I dont think it's intentional its just something that happens to me.

Soo yeah. This is my first ever blog post and I guess its cool because it gives me a chance to express myself and be real with people. Its amazing the things I'll write on the internet but I wont tell my friends.

I guess Im pretty excited about starting this whole blog thing. I know others have been doing it for years and are bored of it. But that's ok. It gives me something else to do instead of homework other than constantly checking my myspace and trying desperately to get to 2,ooo posts on the d:scussion forum. (Im at 1540! yeah!)

But I guess my main problem this morning is that its 10 am on Monday morning and it feels like it should be at least wednesday by now. This is going to be a long week.
But hey, Im still happy. I get to see Delirious? this month in Clovis! Its going to be an awesome show. And my family is going to!!! Super exciting. Also next month is going to be exciting.
April 4th: The Chronicles of Narnia DVD comes out.
April 6th: I turn 18!!
April 8th: Rich comes to visit!!
April 10th: Goin to Yosemite
April 11-16: I have no idea. But it will be fun, I'll tell you that much.

And then its May. And May is my last day of school EVER! That's right, Im not coming back.