Oh well.

ok, so there was this dream that I had been holding onto. When my mom is sane enough for me to talk to her we would talk about this big plan. In this dream she would pay off all of her child support and be able to get a passport. Then me and her would fly to England and have a lot of fun. Then after that we would fly to Australia. We have both always wanted to go to both of those places. When we got to Australia we would go to the Australia zoo and watch Steve Irwin's crocodile deomonstration and then heckle him until he came over and talked to us. He was our favorite person to watch on TV. So many good memories sitting with my mom watching that show. And talking about that plan would get us both so happy and for a minute we would be a normal mother and daughter. Now that is all shot to hell. She was really upset when she found out Steve had died. She doesnt want to watch any of his stuff and she doesnt want to talk about our former plan. This sucks. I've lost my connection with her. Yeah, Im sad one of my favorite people is dead, and Im sad I will never get to cross him off of my "people I want to meet" list. But now I have to find out how to communicate with my mom without that. I really hoped that plan would come true one day too. Oh well. It would have never worked out. Just like everything else. I dont know why I even hoped it would. My grandma says me and my mom "are both idiots" for caring. Im sure she's so used to dreams being shattered she doesnt even notice when someone else's has. Its not so much Steve's death, I feel like more has died. I feel like I have to start over again trying to get that connection to my mom. Trying to find new ways to get those few precious moments where I can believe she loves me. So in a way, I feel like it was the death of my mom too. I've lost her. And I dont know if I can get her back. She is using more and more drugs than usual. I'm afraid she's going to die. I guess that's why I cant sleep.