Hmm......

Its Friday. I love Friday.

Tomorrow I am going to spend the day with my family so that I can "See if I really want to live with them again" (at least, that's what joyce says) I still havent made up my mind!!! My family is saying "Yes! Come! Be with us! We love you!" while my granmda on my dad's side is saying "No! Evil awaits and will trap you in its deathly snare!", well, she didnt say it like that, but if she had thought of it she would have. While Joyce is saying "Its your choice!" and other people are saying "Do what makes you happy" but other people are saying "Dont just do it because it will make you happy."

And sadly, none of that helps.

Ah, are you digging on my grave?

'Ah, are you digging on my grave
My loved one? -- planting rue?'
'No: yesterday he went to wed one of the brightest wealth has bred.
"It cannot hurt her now," he said,
"That I should not be true."'

'Then who is digging on my grave?
My nearest dearest kin?'
'Ah, no; they sit and think,
"What use! What good will planting flowers produce? No tendance of her mound can loose
Her spirit from Death's gin." '

'But some one digs upon my grave?
My enemy? -- prodding sly?'
'Nay: when she heard you had passed the GateThat shuts on all flesh soon or late,
She thought you no more worth her hate,
And cares not where you lie.'

'Then, who is digging on my grave?
Say -- since I have not guessed!'
'O it is I, my mistress dear,Your little dog, who still lives near,
And much I hope my movements here
Have not disturbed your rest?'

'Ah, yes! You dig upon my grave....
Why flashed it not on me that one true heart was left behind!
What feeling do we ever findTo equal among human kind
A dog's fidelity!'

'Mistress, I dug upon your grave
To bury a bone, in caseI should be hungry near this spot
When passing on my daily trot. I am sorry, but I quite forgot
It was your resting-place.'

-Thomas Hardy.

I watched a friend take ecstasy today. I never ever want to see that again.

Lyrical Me.

So I had to write an essay for creative writing. I ended up writing an essay about my spiritual journey using completely almost all lyrics from Delirious? songs I like. It took me forever and they used to be referenced and stuff but that was just too confusing.

"Looking into yesterday and all the dreams that heaven sent... and when I stand upon the land I threw the dreams into the sea. Maybe they will rise again." What I wanted yesterday is not so much what I want today. I change and I grow everyday. I’m never the same person twice. Lately "I’ve been standing with a blazing torch I’ve been looking where to run" and "I wont be satisfied ‘till I find what I’ve come for." But I guess that’s just who I am, always looking for something more, something deeper in the simple things. "It’s the simple things that satisfy, keep my feet on the ground and my head in the sky." "What can I do with my obsession with the things I cannot see? Is there madness in my being?" I once thought so. There was a time when I cried "I’m shaken up, I’m falling down, I’m feeling like the rug’s been pulled. Beneath my feet there’s shifting ground." My world was falling apart. I was thinking; "What is going on? Living on this roller coaster, up and down, twisting, turning, bruising, burning." I was confused. I was broken. Until one day when I was up in the mountains. A man was speaking to my youth group. He said "Jesus’ blood never fails me." "Did you feel the mountains tremble? Did you hear the oceans roar?" I did. I then realized "In a world where it’s love betrays, there is a light that will save the day." Then my song changed. I was now crying "oh lead me, to the place where I can find you." Then I made the decision "It’s time to take the path where many seem to fall."
Questions started flooding my mind. Questions like "why?" and "Oh when, will I learn from this?" "Why do you let us walk upon a cliff so steep when deep below the sea there lies a bed of gold? And if this should be my battle place, don’t let me fall, don’t let me fall." I cried "Keep me" "Can you hear me when there’s no sound?" Then my group started singing. We started my first worship session. I then realized "I love to sing with the angels" "Did you feel the darkness tremble when all the saints joined in one song? When all the streams flowed as one river to wash away our brokenness?" "Can you hear the sound that’s rising from all the corners of the earth?... Can you hear the praise? It’s louder than the radio." "A time of jubilee is coming." I was energized. I was alive. Inside I was screaming "Open up the doors and let the music play! Let the streets resound with singing!" "Investigate, I can’t wait. Excavate, recreate." I wanted to "Shout it out! From every rooftop sing! For now I know that God is for me not against me!" I went home from the mountain feeling good. Everything was in perspective. I went home singing, "The cross was the shame of the world, but the glory of God" but no one really understood what I was talking about. "And I’ve never felt so alien." "I’m on the outside looking in," but that was ok. All of a sudden I realized "I’m on the mezzanine floor, never been here before, its a lonely place" but I made up my mind "I’m gonna stand, I’m gonna run." "I’m not backing down." "I wont change my mind on the choices I’ve made." I started growing deeper in my faith. I started growing as a Christian. I started to break my own boundaries. I started to wonder, "Can I be somebody? Not what they want me to be. Just a pale reflection of what you want me to be." It wasn’t all fun and games, it was hard "Gravity’s pulling me, but heaven is calling me." "This world can get me all undone and I’m frightened I’m the only one. I wrestle with the thoughts I keep if I sow the seed of arrogance in its loneliness I’ll reap." By this time I was now entering my teens. I pretty much had my identity. I knew who I was, I knew what I believed. I didn’t think anything could bring me down. Then my big brother died. I was broken. "Here I am, in that old place again, down on my face again." "Sorrow came to steal my hope away, only tears can tell of this holy hour. This mountain’s high, too high." Instead of sinking into a hole I relied on my faith and I pulled out of it. "I want to sing again for my brother now, and find my way down this mountain." That pretty much brings us to where I am now. "Looking out like a little child, holding tight when it all gets wild." "Lifted up, I’ve climbed with the strength ahead, right to this mountain top." It "feels like it’s time to dream again." "I feel crazy when I dream like this." I’m singing again. "You may not hear it on the radio but you can feel it in the air." "Hear the sound, let it shake the ground." "Feel the music because it’s time to dance." I’m in a whole new place, it’s like my whole life is now "waiting for the summer." "I’m at this bolted door, and I’m coming through without permission. If I go they say I’m wrong. If I stay there’ll be no song." "I’m grabbing for miracles" I’ve got a new perspective, I’ve got new hope. "Yes it’s true today that when people stand with the fire of God and the truth in hand, we’ll see miracles. We’ll see angels sing. We’ll see broken hearts making history. I’m going to be a history maker." "Take me or leave me, don’t have to believe me." "I have to say I put on the line all of my faith all of the time." And even still, "tears sometimes fall upon my face, and join the oil of gladness." "I know uncertainty but truth lights the way." "I’m walking in the light, for its light that changes the atmosphere." And now "the tightrope’s swinging high, teach me to fly" "I’ve got wings so watch me fly." "So wake me, shake me, keep me sharp." "These are the days that we’ll look back upon when we’re old. Give me tomorrow because I cannot wait another day." "Grace is my story, hope is my song. God has been so good to me."


I always said d:? was the soundtrack for my life. Here's proof.

?????

So I got the go ahead to move back in with my mom and my grandma. I really want to, but should I?


My tip for the day:
Enthusiasm greater than ability= Injury.

gig review.

I must say, the Clovis gig last night Rocked. It was simply amazing. The energy was high and the crowd was awesome. They played LOTS and LOTS of their new songs and the crowd knew them all dead on. Martin was actually suprised when he stopped and let us sing the "OHOHOH No Compromise...." in "Now Is The Time". He was like "you know it!" then he kept making us sing on every other song, and we delivered. The crowd even seemed to know all the words to the older songs too like "What A Friend" and "Love Falls Down". The guys behind me during "Take Off My Shoes" were even vocalising the extra instramental parts on the cd that the d:? boys dont play live. However, Martin couldnt remember all the words. There was a part in the song "Solid Rock" that he just ended up going "do do do da do do do" in the tune of the song, but it didnt take away from the song at all. There was almost non stop jumping and non stop worshiping. It was great. Someone also yelled out "I like Tim Jupp!!!" really loud. It was the little things like that that made the night really funny, but because of those little moments, for the first time at a gig I felt like the people there were genuine fans. What was most amazing, was the diversity of the crowd. There were older people (40s-60s) Young adults (18-30) Teens, Pre-Teens, and even really small children (3-9) all in the first two rows! It was great. Every age group was just as excited as the others. The gig started out strong with "Here I am Send Me" and they played most of the songs on Mission Bell, but honestly I cant give you the order. They also played some songs from World Service. And, of course, they played the two great hits that no one can get enough of, "Did You Feel The Mountains Tremble?", and "History Maker". Sadly when I yelled for the Happy Song they seemed to conveniently ignore me. Over all, it was a great gig, I cant say that enough. They were having a bit of trouble with the lights. The problem being, they kept turning off. After the second time the lights went off Martin sang into the mic "Even when the lights go out, we keep on playing." crowd: "YEAH!!!" "Even when the lights go out, the people keep on singing" crowd: "YEAH!!!!!!!!" Stu and Martin talked about how they first came to Cali ten years ago. Martin said "Sadly that means we are ten years older than we we first came... we have a bit more kids now than ten years ago." then Stu said "Well, you do." It was funny. My mom enjoyed the concert, her favorite song was "Paint The Town Red" (suprisingly, I wasnt expecting that), and my little brother had a blast.The security guard in front of me said that that was his first Christian concert and he was very impressed. And already today at school I saw a boy with a Mission Bell shirt on. I also met a friend from Portland Oregon and we were going to get each other's email addresses but I was so distracted by the 5 guys in front of us I completely forgot. So if you are reading this.... email me!! (mandymacd88@hotmail.com) Anyways... I was also impressed by all the new merchandise! I kept looking at things thinking "ooh I want that... ooh! I want that!! OOH!!! I really want that!!" I couldnt get everything, but I did get a new hat, a new shirt and some new buttons! Yay new buttons! And yes, as I may have told some of you I was thinking about it, I did wear a "Have you seen Dave Wood?" shirt. They guys smiled when they saw it from the stage and then afterwards Jon was like "Actually I saw Dave last week!" So the shirt was a success. I thought it would be funny to wear one in California. But mostly ALL of the people there except for one were like "Who's Dave Wood?" Soo yeah... that was my experience at the Clovis gig! It was a great night, a great concert, a great and passionate crowd, and I can honestly say the boys played the best I have ever heard them.

Yesss.......... d:?!

In 7-8 hours I am going to see DELIRIOUS?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im going to see Martin (and martin is my hero!), Stew, Jon, Tim, and Stu-G and it's going to Rock and im going to look for Lee Slater and im going to talk to Paul Smith (hopefully, if he's there) and its going to be great and my family will be there and my best friend Jay is going to be there and I am super excited and I love them and they are amazing and Im going to rock out and im wearing my rock out shoes and im going to wear a shirt that says "have you seen Dave wood?" and its going to be funny and no one will get it but me and the band and I will be happy and im going to try and take a picture with them and Im going to take lots of pictures OF them and im going to jump up and down and scream and sing really loud and im going to freak out and im going to have lots of energy and im not going to eat dinner and im going to get a new shirt and im going to get a cd signed and i am going to get a new poster and im going to see them and they are here! In my town!And the tickets are pretty and they have their picture on them and yesterday I thought i saw their bus! I saw two big tour busses and this morning I watched part of their DVD and im excited and and and and and Its today and I cant wait and its this evening they day has come. Im going to have so much fun. But best of all, Im going to worship.

I've come to the realization that my mother's happiness should not be my main priority. In fact, it shouldn't even be my problem or responsibility at all.

Grrrrr....

Apparently everyone thinks that as soon as I turn 18 I'm going to run away and quit high school. Now, I dont EVER remember these words coming out of my mouth. How about people just stop assuming things about me. OK? Can we do that please?

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBSSunday Morning Commentary, Sunday, 12/18/05.

Herewith at this happy time of year, a few confessions from mybeating heart: I have no freaking clue who Nick and Jessica are. I see them on the cover of People and Us constantly when I am buying my dogbiscuits and kitty litter. I often ask the checkers at the grocerystores. They never know who Nick and Jessica are either. Who are they?Will it change my life if I know who they are and why they have brokenup? Why are they so important?
I don't know who Lindsay Lohan is either, and I do not care at allabout Tom Cruise's wife. Am I going to be called before a Senate committee and asked if Iam a subversive? Maybe, but I just have no clue who Nick and Jessica are.
If this is what it means to be no longer young. It's not so bad.
Next confession: I am a Jew, and every single one of myancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees.
It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.
I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution, and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.
Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?
I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too.
But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came from and where the
America we knew went to.
In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke, it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.
Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like thisHappen?"(regarding Katrina) Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives.
And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?
In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.
Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school . The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figureit out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell.
Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what theBible says.
Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.
Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.
Are you laughing?
Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it, or posting it.
Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.




I agree with his words, and you dont like me for it. Too bad.

A better daughter.

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move. Awake, but cannot open my eyes. And the weight is crushing down on my lungs, I can't breath, and I just hope someone will save me this time. And my mother is still calling me insane and high, swearin' it's different this time. So I tell her to give in to the demons that posess her and that God never blessed her inside. And I hang up the phone and feel badly for upseting things. Then I crawl back into bed to dream of a time when my heart was open wide and I loved things just because. Like the sick and the dying. And sometimes when I'm on, I'm really really on, and my friends all sing along and they love me. But the lows are so extreme that the good seems really cheap and it teases me for weeks in it's absence. But I'll fight and I'll make it through and I'll fake it if I have to and I'll show up the world with a smile. I'll be better and I'll be stronger and more grown-up and a better daughter and I real good friend. I'll be awake. I'll be alert. I'll be positve, though it hurts. I'll laugh and embrace all my friends. I'll be a real good listener I'll be honest, I'll be brave. I'll be beautiful. I'll be happy.

My ship may be coming in, I'm week but not giving in to the cries and the wails of the valley below. And I'll fight it and I'll go out fighting all of 'em.

iMac

Today I have to use and old iMac. I hate iMacs. It is slow, the key board sticks, and it makes all of the webpages look really weird.

Im looking at this quilt right now, its hanging in the window and it is really weird. It has a black border and then red and yellow checkers just on the inside of the black, like a second border. Then in the middle it has a farm scene. There is a cow. A normal black and white one. On the cow there is a sheep. yeah, ON the cow. The sheep is standing ON the cow. And then ON the sheep there is a rooster. The rooster is holding an American flag in it's beak. On the ground there is a cat and a chicken also holding american flags. In the sky there are lots of stars even though the sky is baby blue and looks like day light. Im telling you, it's a weird quilt. I dont understand quilts. The only quilts I understand are the normal patchwork ones. With just random peices of fabric. And my Harry Potter quilt. I understand that one too. But any other quilt that tries to portray a message, I don't understand.

I am very bored.

yuck

I dont feel good... :( I want to go home. To my home. The home with my mom and my grandma and my little brother. But I cant go to that home. I cant go home. Im stuck at school and Im stuck in a house with people who aren't my family.

Should I feel bad?

Last night there was a death in the family of the people I live with. They were all sad and crying and Joyce and Gary (the mom and dad of the house) ran out the door to the hospital to be with Gary's dad who's heart had stopped. They left me there with Sarah (their daughter) who just sat in her room and cried over the loss of her grandfather. Now, I had only met the man about three times and from what I could see he was in bad shape. I can tell everyone is upset that he died. The problem is while Joyce in Gary were at the hospital mourning the loss of a father and Sarah was in her room mourning the loss of a grandfather all I could think about was "yes, I have control of the T.V." Is there something wrong with me? Should I have felt bad?

Photograph.

I'm sitting here staring at a photograph of you. The edges are all faded and worn, roughened by all I've put it through. The ink has begun to fade from all the times I've toched the image of your face. Your cocked head and braight eyes smiling at me, your image carved into my memory. I've carried this photograph everywhere with me. It's all I have of you. It's fading now and falling apart which tells me that it's time for you to come back here, you see, so that I can take a photograph of you, and carry it always and forever with me.

-Amanda MacDonald
inspired by a lady on the bus.

Today is Friday.

I am happy that today is Friday. I like Fridays because every friday evening I get to hang out with my two best friends. Which is a lot of fun. Then it's Saturday and I get to sleep in, eat, and watch movies all day, which is also fun. However tomorrow, though I get to sleep in, I have to be at the church by 11am to practice music for the Easter program. I'm excited about this Easter program. Its going to be REALLY good. And plus, Rich will be there, which is an added bonus.

Mystery Bruise

I was taking a shower last night and I noticed this HUGE bruise on my leg. It is amazing. I mean, its the perfect bruise. Almost perfectly round and it has the best colors. Seriously, im not crazy I promise. Personally, I think it looks like a planet, or some sort of galaxy. Im very proud of my bruise. The best part is.... I Have NO idea how it got there.

Trouble right here in River City.

Ok so, the other day I got home from school late,
I got in trouble for being late.
Yesterday I got home from school a bit early,
I got in trouble for being early.
Today I get home from school right on time,
I got in trouble for NOT being early!!

What the heck?! I get in trouble for EVERYTHING I do. I cant ever please anyone.

Haha!

So yesterday I had a quiz on the sport of Basketball for my PE class. I couldnt stop laughing throughout the test because the questions were so stupid! I get to question number 5 and it says "How many halfs are in a game?" And I think, are you serious? Then question number 6 says "How many quarters are in a game?" and I think, what the heck? Then question number 7 says "How many points is a 3 point shot worth?" and I asked the teacher "Are you serious?" he seemed to know exactly what I was talking about and said "It's been missed." Very amusing. And it rained yesterday! And it hailed! I like hail. I like watching hail, but I dont like being out in hail very much, it hurts. Well im going to go post on the d:scussion forum because I like it more than this. :)

I dont really know what else to say. I saw these crazy funny quotes so I guess I'll share those.

"If you're allergic to a thing its best not to put that thing in your mouth. Especially if that thing is cats."-series of unfortunate events

"Be alert! Cuz the world needs more lerts!"- bumper sticker

"Buckle up! It'll make it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car."-bumper sticker

"Knowledge is power and power corrupts. Therefore I cant do anymore homework or I might become evil."- my too smart little brother.

Tuesday.

Sooooo......... today. What happened today?
This morning I awoke at the bright hour of 6o'clock to find that no one else had gotten up yet. This wasn't good news considering that they are my ride to the bus stop that I need to be at by 6:30. Now, I can get ready in that amount of time because I am an evening shower. My ride, however, is not. So finally around 6:20 he gets up and gets in the shower. Great. Im going to miss my bus. I hate missing my bus because that means I have to stand there for a half an hour to catch the next bus which is MUCH more crowded and has way more perverts than usual. So just for your info, route 41 that arrives at 7:12 is not a good bus. So we didnt even get out the door until 6:37. So yeah, I missed my bus. But that's ok. I was just a little bored because my iPod ran out of batteries but I kept the headphones in my ears anyways so that the weird guy would not talk to me. So I get to my mom's house at about 7:15. I walked in and saw that Sam was there. Sam is my little brother's older brother. It makes sense, I promise. Me and my little brother have the same mother, different fathers. Sam and my little brother have same fathers different mothers. See? Told you it would make sense. So I walk in and Sam is like "Oh! The long lost sister!" I said "Im not lost" then my mom said "You were for a while" I assumed she was reffering to when I wasnt speaking to anyone and never came over for about 6 months. So I ignored that comment. Sam isnt my favorite person and neither is Sam's father so today I was somewhat grateful I missed my first bus so I only had to spend 10 minutes with them instead or 45. So that was good. Then I went to school. I didnt go to my first period again, dont ask me why, cuz I dont know but I did go to all of my other classes. One of the good things about today is in PE we are going to start playing Ultimate Frisbee. Now, Im not much of a sport's player but I do like Ultimate Frisbee because it reminds me of Camp. If only I could teach my class how to play Ultimate Duck Duck Goose. THAT would be sweet!!! Tomorrow is Wednesday. And Wednesday means the week is almost over. And also there is church on Wednesday and I like going to church. (Note to self if I read this tomorrow: Give picture of you and d: to Natalie so that she can scan it and you can send it to d:'s myspace for the monthly fan pic.)

...?

Yep I skipped 4th. Im such an idiot.

Here I go.

Ok, Im sitting here in the Career Center at Bullard High School in Fresno California. I have already missed my first, second and third period classes and Im thinking of missing my fourth as well. What am I doing? Why do I constantly try to ruin my life? I dont think it's intentional its just something that happens to me.

Soo yeah. This is my first ever blog post and I guess its cool because it gives me a chance to express myself and be real with people. Its amazing the things I'll write on the internet but I wont tell my friends.

I guess Im pretty excited about starting this whole blog thing. I know others have been doing it for years and are bored of it. But that's ok. It gives me something else to do instead of homework other than constantly checking my myspace and trying desperately to get to 2,ooo posts on the d:scussion forum. (Im at 1540! yeah!)

But I guess my main problem this morning is that its 10 am on Monday morning and it feels like it should be at least wednesday by now. This is going to be a long week.
But hey, Im still happy. I get to see Delirious? this month in Clovis! Its going to be an awesome show. And my family is going to!!! Super exciting. Also next month is going to be exciting.
April 4th: The Chronicles of Narnia DVD comes out.
April 6th: I turn 18!!
April 8th: Rich comes to visit!!
April 10th: Goin to Yosemite
April 11-16: I have no idea. But it will be fun, I'll tell you that much.

And then its May. And May is my last day of school EVER! That's right, Im not coming back.