As I Grew Older

It was a long time ago.
I have almost forgotten my dream.
But it was there then,
In front of me,
Bright like a sun—
My dream.

And then the wall rose,
Rose slowly,
Slowly,
Between me and my dream.
Rose until it touched the sky—
The wall.

Shadow.
I am black.

I lie down in the shadow.
No longer the light of my dream before me,
Above me.
Only the thick wall.
Only the shadow.

My hands!
My dark hands!
Break through the wall!
Find my dream!
Help me to shatter this darkness,
To smash this night,
To break this shadow
Into a thousand lights of sun,
Into a thousand whirling dreams of sun!
-Langston Hughes


Today I read this poem. Its about a man who can see his dreams, his future, his happiness. But then as he grows older an obsticle grows and blocks his dreams. He knows he should break through the wall, but he is defeated. He cant find the strength to fight back.

It seems like as I grow older now, my opportunities to be who I want to be are harder and harder to find. When I make up my mind about who I want to be, the opportunity to be that has already past and I've already messed it up. Even people who reach their dreams, do they get to their goal and then think "Is this it?" It seems like everything I do, at the end I think "Is this it?" Like High School, I had big expectations, I thought High School would be fun and exciting. But after my first day I thought "Is this it?" Im afraid that I will go through life having too high of expectations of everything and not be satisfied with anything. I went on my first rollercoaster and I thought "Is this it?" When I watch a movie or read a book that everyone has been raving about I think "Is this it?" When I hear a "classic" song for the first time that everyone has seemed to love, like Stairway to Heaven, or Dream On, I think "Is this it?" I dont know if I'll ever stop thinking "Is this all there is? This isnt what I expected."

Superchic[k]

So Sunday night I randomly went with my friend, Jay, to Livermore for a Superchic[k] concert. I wasnt too excited because I had seen them before and though I'm familiar with their songs, I'm not confident enough to sing along with most of them. I figured I would be Jay's navigator, read the mapquest directions, and just tag along. No. The concert rocked. We got there early. We were in the very front row, and the concert was just great. There was a lot of energy and a lot of rocking out. Apart from the bassist spitting water on everyone I liked every thing about the gig. The crowd was mostly 9-14 year old girls and that was kinda weird because tho Superchick may sound like a "Pre teen" girl band, they aren't. They sing about lots and lots of things little girls just wont understand. Its ok I guess, these girls will know the lessons before hand instead of hearing the songs and thinking "oh yeah, I should have heard this before I did that." So for that Im happy, they are getting a great message. For me, I've found I can relate to most of their songs. And for their songs I cant relate to, they still touch me.
Here are the lyrics to my favorite Superchick songs. (at the moment.)

One Girl Revolution
I wear a disguise I'm just your average Jane
The super doesn't stand for model
But that doesn't mean i'm plain
If all you see is how I look
You miss the superchick within
And I christen you Titanic
Underestimate and swim
I've got the rifle
Gonna be myself

chorus:
I'll be everything that I want to be
I am confidence in insecurity
I am a voice yet waiting to be heard
I'll shoot the shot, bang
That you hear 'round the world
I'm a one girl revolution

Some people see the revolution
But most only see the girl
I can loose my hard earned freedom
If my fear defines my world
I declare my independance from the critics and their stones
I can find my revolution
I can learn to stand alone

[chorus]

High School

chorus:
High school could be
a mini me of the rest of society
there's always a prom queen
there'll always be, always be sororities
but sadly some will be
eternally keeping score for popularity
and just 'coz they all do
doesn't mean we have to act like we're in high school
doesn't mean we have to act like we're in high school

High school is like a big competiton
beauty contest prom court is the mission
there can only be one queen, one king
everyone voting, everyone competing
but these are the rules the way of high school
if someone puts you down, thats so high school
someone talks behind your back, thats so high school
thinking you have to get them back thats also high school
i know i'll be graduating early
[chorus]

High school is like the state of the nation
some people never change after graduation
believing any light you shine makes theirs lesser
they have to prove to everyone that theirs is better
these are the rules the ways of high school
if someone puts you down, that's so high school
believing their too cool for you, that's so high school
if you believe it too, that's also high school
i know i'll be graduating early
[chorus]

We've all got bad yearbook photos
which we've forgot to let go
and just like acne our insecurity
should be something left with the jv
so here's to letting go of yearbook photos
things we kept that hold us down
so that was yesterday
there's always tomorrow
we are tomorrow, we are tomorrow
so i know I'll be graduating early
[chorus]

Hero

No one sits with him, he doesn't fit in
But we feel like we do when we make fun of him
Cause you want to belong do you go along?
Cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong
It's not like you hate him or want him to die
But maybe he goes home and thinks suicide
Or he comes back to school with a gun at his side
Any kindness from you might have saved his life
Heroes are made when you make a choice

Chorus:
You could be a hero
Heroes do what's right
You could be a hero
You might save a life
You could be a hero,
You could join the fight
For what's right, for what's right, for what's right

No one talks to her, she feels so alone
She's in too much pain to survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm, wants to give up her life
Each day she goes on is a day that she's brave,
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way,
Each moment of courage her own life she saves
When she throws the pills out a hero is made
Heroes are made when you make a choice.

[Chorus]

No one talks to him about how he lives
He thinks that the choices he makes are just his
Doesn't know he's a leader with the way he behaves
And others will follow the choices he's made
He lives on the edge, he's old enough to decide
His brother who wants to be him is just nine
He can do what he wants because it's his right
But the choices he makes change a nine year old's life
Heroes are made when you make a choice

[Chorus]

Rap:
Little Mikey D. was the one in class who everyday got brutally harassed
This went on for years until he decided that never again would he shed another tear
So he walked through the door, grabbed the fourty-four out of his father's dresser drawer
And said I can't take life no more
And like that life can be lost
But this ain't even about that
All of us just sat back and watched it happen
Thinkin' it's not my responsibility to solve a problem that isn't about me
This is our problem
This is just one of the daily scenarios which we choose to close our eyes
Instead of doing the right thing
If we make a choice and be the voice for those who won't speak up for themselves
How many lives would be saved, changed, rearranged
Now it's our time to pick a side
So don't keep walkin' by
Not wantin' to intervene
Cause you wanna exist and never be seen
So let's wake up and change the world
Our time is now

Chorus:
You could be a hero
Heroes do what's right (our time is now)
You could be a hero
You might save a life (our time is now)
You could be a hero, (our time is now)
You could join the fight
For what's right, for what's right, for what's right

(the remixed version, witht he rap part that I posted really made the song stand out to me. It is such an amazing song. I would buy the Remix album JUST for this song.)

Princes and Frogs

Chorus:
All princes start as frogs
and all gentlemen as dogs
Just wait till its plain to see
What we're growing up to be
Cause Some frogs will still be frogs
And Some dogs will still be dogs
Some boys could become men
Just don't kiss us 'til then.

You hate men is what you say and I understand how you feel that way
All girls dream of a fairy tale
But what you've got's like a used car salesman
Trying to conceal what's wrong behind a smile and the song (la la la la)
And I'm not saying that boys are not like that (what you talkin about baby?)
But I think you should know (you should know)
That some of us will grow
Because. . .

[Chorus]

You found him is what you say and we all want you to feel that way
But the frog you've got seems cute enough to kiss
And maybe frogs seem like that's all their is
But just because you haven't found your prince yet
Doesn't mean you're still not a princess
And what if if your prince comes riding in while you're kissin' a frog
What's he gonna think then
So look into his eyes
Are you a princess or a fly?

[Chorus]




Yeah... thats all the lyrics I will torture you with for now. It really was a great show.

It's Friday.

Mandatory Senior meetings are a waste of time.

Never try to fit 630 seniors into a theater that holds 300 people.

Learn about acoustics before setting up speakers in a gym.

Never steal someone's Telecaster.

I have not read one poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Sue me.

I have failed. I might not graduate.

It's my mom's birthday.

My little brother will grow up to be one of those murderers you see on TV. He's seven and last night he broke into someones house so he could watch TV. He sees nothing wrong with this.

I am using computer number 16 in the library.

This library has nothing by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

I dont know why im posting this.

I dont really know why I do alot of the things I do.

Why should this be any different?

It isnt.

Because nothing is different.

Ever.

This week was so much fun.

On Friday I moved. It was a lot of work, but I did it. And Im happy I did it.

On Saturday Rich came!!! It was so exciting. We picked him up from the AirPort and then went and ate at Arby's. Sarah, Gary, Natalie, Jay, Candice, my mom, my grandma and my little brother ate with us so that they could all start to get to know him. It was nice.

On Sunday we went to church. Nothing out of the normal there. Rich tried his first Penut Butter and Jelly sandwich. I dont think he liked it much.

On Monday we went to Yosemite with John, Sarah, Natalie, and Jay. It was amazing. The fog, though it blocked the veiw of some things, seemed to make things better, the way it creeped through the valley. It almost looked like smoke. Perfect smoke. It was great. Also because of the snow melt the waterfalls were full.

On Tuesday Rich and I did nothing. That's right, nothing. It was wonderful. We watched a movie, ate, watched some more TV, ate, slept, ate, and then watched more TV! It was nice.

On Wednesday we went to the mall with Jay and Natalie. We had a good time crusing around town. Rich had his first experience at Denny's. Then in the evening we went to church.

On Thursday we went to Pismo and Morrow Bay with my grandma, mom, and little brother. It was... interesting. We werent on the road for more than an hour and me and my little brother had already gotten in a fight that ended with him biting me. Other than my brother being a brat, it was a nice trip. The weather was perfect.

On Friday my grandma drove Rich and I to Calvin Crest. I wanted Rich to see where I would be all summer. He seemed impressed with what he saw. We saw Cory and Lyndsay there. We also saw this dog named Chicken. Chicken was..... I dont know how to describe Chicken. In just 3 minutes Chicken ate part of a fence, stole and broke open a new stack of cups, and started eating the branches off of a small tree. He was a really sweet dog though.

On Saturday I was really frustrated the whole day. My little brother was being a jerk and he stabbed in the back. Yeah, he litterally stabbed me with a sharp object. So I was in a bad mood. Then I got in a worse mood when I went to the church to practice for the Easter Program. I walked into the church to hear "Dont touch anything the Sheriff Department is on their way." I was confused. I found out a few seconds later that the church had been broken into. The robbers stole; the church's acoustic guitar and case, my electric guitar, case, and pettal board, our moniters, our stack of recording equipment, our wireless microphones, our congas and bongos, a TV and a sterio. Yeah, the day before Easter. Lovely.
Astonishingly we had just enough to still do our Easter program. Parts of it had to simplified, but we could still do it. God was looking out for us.

On Sunday we had the Easter program. It was great. There weren't many dry eyes at the end of it.

Yesterday Rich left. It was sad. I watched him walk away down the long hallway towards his plane. He kept looking back and I almost cried. But I held it in till I got home. Then I cried. But I will see him in September and it will be great.

Birthday!

Its my birthday!!! YAY!!!! Im happy. People treat you different when you're 18. In a mean way. I've heard 3 or 4 people tell me "You're 18, go get a job!" Like Im a bum or something. I try to explain that I've been hired at Calvin Crest but that job doesnt start until the summer, but apparently that's not a "real job".

Oh well. I had cake for breakfast and I have the Chronicles of Narnia collectors DVD and I have a Union Jack sweater and a Rain Down T-shirt. That makes me happy.

(If only I could find my hat. I really really miss my hat. :()

17 years ago today, my father died.

interesting huh?

The weird thing is, Im not sad. I mean, yeah it sucks that he's gone and that I dont have him with me, but Im not sad that he's not here anymore. Im more sad in how he went, not the fact that he's gone. If that makes sense...

New Camera

Yesterday my grandma got me a new digital camera. I've never had my own camera before and I'm having a lot of fun with it.
It's a Sony Cybershot DSC-P200. It's pretty sweet.

This Week

Monday(today): I am going to go get a digital camera! I'm very excited because I've never had a real camera. I've always just used cheap throw-away cameras. Not anymore! Yay! A new camera!

Tuesday: The Chronicles of Narnia DVD comes out. Need I explain more?

Wednesday: Nothing is really happening, except Church. Not that that isnt exciting, I just go to church every wednesday. That's all.

Thursday: My birthday! I will be 18 years old on this day. :)

Friday: On this day I will move back into my mom and grandma's house. Though it almost killed me, that was my decision. Im happy its over and that Im just going to get it over with.

Saturday: Richard is flying in from England!!!!!!!!! I cant wait!!! Im so excited.

Sunday: Rich will be at our church... and I might have dinner with my friends. We'll see.

Monday: First day of Spring Break. No School! I am going to take Rich to yosemite!!

And that's about all I have planned so far! I want to take Rich to Pismo, and also up to Calvin Crest so that he can get the "california experience" and just really see the places I've told him about. Soo yeah. Isnt life exciting?