A look into a bit of my mind. A rant. By Amanda MacDonald

So I've had a bad couple of days. Who hasn't had a streak of days where you just feel really bad about everything? It's normal right? I mean. I just graduated. I have no idea what the heck I am going to do. Im not enrolled in any college. I dont have any real plans, and that is scary. Its scary when you have no idea what the future holds. Yes, tomorrow I am going to wake up at 7:15 and start my shift. Why isnt that good enough for me? Why do I feel the need to know years in advance what I will be doing? Why do I feel the need for a plan? Why is it so hard for me to get a plan that works? I dont want to end up like my mom and my brother. I dont want to end up a bum living off of my grandma. Is that really where I'm headed? To be a life sucker living off of social security and food stamps? I dont want that, but I dont know how to avoid it.
My friend Brooke sent me a post card from England. It brightened my day. I really want to go there someday. I was going to go in September, but now I might just stay here at camp. England can wait. I need to stay here and discover who Im really supposed to be. I need to stay here and realize that I am not a stupid bum that isnt going to college. I need to stay here and not meet up with my friends at the hookah bar and I need to stay here and be me and not be afraid of being put down for it. I need to stay here. I want to stay here. I love it here. Eventhough sometimes I dont act like it. I'm happy here. I hope I can start letting myself feel accepted. I have friends but I dont let myself accept that they are real friends. If they arent my real friends then it wont hurt as bad when something happens. Like a fight, or a move, or just something really dumb. If no one is my real friend then I will never be really hurt by them. Then I will just be getting hurt by people who arent my real friends and that doesnt hurt so bad. If I let myself believe that they are pretending to be my friends then it doesnt hurt so bad when they forget about me or when Im not invited. If they arent my real friends and they are pretending its easier to lie to them and to hide things and to not dig too deep into their lives either. Just keep a distance. I guard myself. But its funny. As Im trying to keep myself from hurt, Im just hurting myself anyways because I wonder why I dont have any real friends. I always put myself in these circles. Im always caught in the middle of some mental circle. I need to stop. I need to realize that I do have real friends and I am worth something. I need to stop beating myself up every time I mess up. I need to stop thinking I need to impress people. I need to stop being afraid of people being mad at me. Maybe I just need to change me.

Useless

So basically, I cant do anything.

I can't help.

I just can't do it.

I wish I could help them so much!!! I wish I could make everything better! Not just for my benefit, but I know they would be happier too! Why cant I do anything? Why be given something I can't do anything about? What the heck is the point? Why must everything that makes me happy, makes me secure get taken away? Why can't I just have a bit of stability on this earth? Would that be so hard God? Just a bit of stability so that I can function normally here? Its so hard to be stranded all the time.