Dont laugh, that's not funny.

i dont even care anymore.

I love you too mom..........
Why even freaking leave that out in the open where God and whole world can see it??
What an idiot.
She had promised me she quit.
Whatever.
Promises never count.

In the dark with the music on
Wishing I was somewhere else
Taking all your anger out on me,
somebody help
I would rather rot alone
Than spend a minute with you
I'm gone, I'm gone

And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault

How could you hate me?
When all I ever wanted to be was you?
How could you love me?
When all you ever gave me were open wounds?

Downstairs the enemy sleeps Leaving the TV on
Watching all the dreams we had turn into static
Doesn't matter what I do
Nothing's gonna change
I'm never good enough

And you can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault

Tell me why you broke me down and betrayed my trust in you
I'm not giving up, giving in when will this war end?
When will it end??

You can't stop me from falling apart
'Cause my self-destruction is all your fault.

These lyrics to a Skillet song are dedicated to my Grandma who I just had a wonderful conversation with on the phone.

My car wont start.

Again.

I painted a picture yesterday. I really like it. It's probably the best painting I've ever done.

These are some pictures from the VERY DAY that I became a Delirious? fan.

July 7th, 2001

Haha, blame Bill and Matt for that. (Pictures taken by Becky Smith. Recived from www.delirious.org.uk)

I think I just had a panic attack. I got really really irrationally scared all of a sudden. Then I got dizzy and thought I was going to throw up. Then, because I was dizzy I couldnt see for a second and I got even more scared. It kinda felt like the panic you get when you're stuck in a tight place and you cant move your arms or your legs to get out.

Im still all shakey and dont feel very good.

1829 posts.... Im going to make it to 2000 before next week or I'll deprive myself of chocolate.

dont know what I'm talking about?

http://dforum.troikamusic.co.uk/

I'm GloFreak. The obsession continues.

What the heck? Can't anyone just ever sit quietly? How come whenever it finally gets quiet someone has to say "hey! Lets put on some music!" howabout "No! Lets just enjoy quiet!" Why are people so afraid of quiet? Are they afraid of what they might think if their brains arent occupied? If I dont get some silence soon I might go crazy.

Now is the Time. Live at Willow Creek.

Soo.... Yesterday I ordered the new Delirious? DVD/CD that comes out next month. I was really excited because if I was one of the first 2000 I would get a free poster with it! Well, because I dont live in the UK Fierce Distribution (Delirious?'s official distribution company) cancelled my order. They said....

"Hi Amanda,
Thankyou for your order.
Unfortunately we do not actually have the rights to sell this product to customers in the US. What I will do is get our accounts department to give you a full refund on your order and cancel the order.
Although we cannot sell this DVD to the US, there is an American site called www.musicchristian.com which you can buy it from.

Please accept my apologies for any inconvenience caused.

Thanks again,
With Kindest Regards,
Sam Hubbard"

Now, my first reaction was anger because I wanted to be one of the first 2000 and get that poster. My second reaction was excitement because I got an email from someone at Fierce!!! (I know I'm a dork) So I emailed him back saying...

"Thank you. This makes me sad. Does that mean I can't be one of the first 2000 and get a poster?? Honestly, I think that's really unfair. I'm a HUGE fan and I would like the have to opportunities that the UK fans have.
thanks anyways.
-Amanda"

So then he replied again and said...

"Hello,
I can understand how this could seem unfair. If you can order the DVD from somewhere else, and drop me an email at the start of October, I will send you out one of the posters separately.
I hope that this is a help to you, and that you will enjoy the DVD.

With Kindest Regards,
Sam Hubbard"

So that made everything better. I just hope I still get the DVD with the special edition packaging.


Oh my gosh. How obsessed can I get???

Walking in the Air.

We're walking in the air, we're floating in the moonlit sky. The people far below are sleeping as we fly. We're holding very tight, I'm riding in the midnight blue. I'm finding I can fly so high above with you.
Far across the world the villages go by like trees, the rivers and the hills,the forest and the streams.
Children gaze open mouthed, taken by suprise. Nobody down below believes their eyes.
We're surfing in the air, we're swimming in the frozen sky. We're drifting over icy mountains floating by.
Suddenly swooping low on an ocean deep, arousing of a mighty monster from its sleep.
We're walking in the air, we're floating in the midnight sky, and everyone who sees us greets us as we fly.

this picture makes me happy.

I saw a UFO last night and no one can tell me I didn't.

Looking Back.

Looking back, it doesnt seem that long ago
when I was held in his arms and he told me he loved me.
Looking forward, it seems so long to go
untill I am held in someones arms and they tell me they love me.

Crossing over, the wind at my back

pushing me somwhere I might be scared to go.

Going under, hiding what I lack
hiding deep, I cant be touched, no one will know.
Crying out, hoping no one hears me
hoping I can carry on without this in my way.
Crying up, hoping he hears me
hoping that this isnt the only way.
Stepping forward with fear in my expression
can you sense my confusion it seems all I've ever felt.
Stepping back, suveying the situation
how can I move forward when I hate myself?
Staring out, I dont deserve this view of the moon.
How I got this far, I dont know how .
Staring down, I feel so little in this room
forget the rest of the world, lets focus on now.
Looking back, it doesn't seem that long ago
When I was held in his arms and he told me he loved me.
Looking forward, id sees so long to go
until I'm held in someones arms and they tell me they love me.

I still dont feel like I fit.

Last night's adventure.

So last night the commonfire staff attempted to go to Jone's store for dinner. We were having a bit of trouble with one of the vans so some people (including me) thought it would be more fun to take the Calvin Crest bus so that we could all be together. Little did we know, the bus went about 10 miles per hour on anything remotely up hill. So what was supposed to be a 45 minute trip turned into a 3 hour trip. We made it to the porta potty at the turn off and came straight back to camp. Everyone was tired and hungry. We got to the bottom of Calvin Crest road on Sierra Sky Ranch when the bus completely died. Most of us, being too lazy to walk decided to sqeeze ourselves into the back of Dave's truck. Now, this wasnt a huge truck. Just a normal truck with a tool box in the back. We sqeezed a total of 17 people and 1 dog into the bed of the truck. Plus the 5 in the cab brings the total number of people in Dave's truck going up Calvin Crest road to a whopping 22! It was simply amazing. Notice the picture. At the end of the night we ended up eating pizza in the ranch house. I thought it was a great night.

ok, I just had a really wierd dream. I dont even know what it means, It started off with me hiding in the house while police where trying to get in through the boarded up windows and doors. Dust was flying everywhere and I had no idea what was going on. After a few minutes they got in a swarmed all around me. Then I was in the car with my grandma and she was taking me to the police station and I was really mad. She was also really mad at me telling me how stupid I am and how could I have let this happen and I need to be more responsible. I was silent. Then when we got there they cuffed me and I was so angry I started yelling and crying "Its not fair! I didnt even do it! Why do I have to go to jail for something my cousin did!??" In my dream I had a cousin who did something bad. I dont know what. And for some reason the law said that if they couldnt find him then the next person closest to his age in the family would be arrested in his place. Totally unfair. And apparently some lawyer lady had given me a card that would have saved me from this but I had lost the card. And she was there while I was being cuffed saying "You shouldnt have lost it." The tall gray-haired warden took me through some doors. We were in a large hall way and girls my age were everywhere. They all had pale skin and they were all so skinny. Some where turning mills. Some were washing clothes. Some where grinding grane. The warden led me to my cot and told me in a sarcastic voice "get comfortable" then he laughed and walked off. The whole time I was crying really hard. Just an overwhelming feeling of sadness. It was so real. I could feel the heat in my cheeks and my vision would blur everytime tears welled up in my eyes. Then I noticed a mirror on the wall, and it was all fogged over. Then I heard a voice say "I take care of my children." I was just staring at the mirror. Then the voice said "Watch" and slowly the mirror became clearer. Then I could see myself with my brown "jail clothes" and my messed up hair and tear stained eyes. Then in my reflection I saw a little paper sticking out of my pocket. I pulled it out and it was the card that I had lost! It was the card that would get me out! It was the card that would save me! I was so happy! I ran over to the warden yelling "I found it!! I found it!!" Then as soon as he took it in his hands to look at it the paper changed magically into a regular blank peice of paper. He threw it at my face and laughed at me. I started crying again.
then I woke up. it was the most vivid dream I've had in a while.

Oh well.

ok, so there was this dream that I had been holding onto. When my mom is sane enough for me to talk to her we would talk about this big plan. In this dream she would pay off all of her child support and be able to get a passport. Then me and her would fly to England and have a lot of fun. Then after that we would fly to Australia. We have both always wanted to go to both of those places. When we got to Australia we would go to the Australia zoo and watch Steve Irwin's crocodile deomonstration and then heckle him until he came over and talked to us. He was our favorite person to watch on TV. So many good memories sitting with my mom watching that show. And talking about that plan would get us both so happy and for a minute we would be a normal mother and daughter. Now that is all shot to hell. She was really upset when she found out Steve had died. She doesnt want to watch any of his stuff and she doesnt want to talk about our former plan. This sucks. I've lost my connection with her. Yeah, Im sad one of my favorite people is dead, and Im sad I will never get to cross him off of my "people I want to meet" list. But now I have to find out how to communicate with my mom without that. I really hoped that plan would come true one day too. Oh well. It would have never worked out. Just like everything else. I dont know why I even hoped it would. My grandma says me and my mom "are both idiots" for caring. Im sure she's so used to dreams being shattered she doesnt even notice when someone else's has. Its not so much Steve's death, I feel like more has died. I feel like I have to start over again trying to get that connection to my mom. Trying to find new ways to get those few precious moments where I can believe she loves me. So in a way, I feel like it was the death of my mom too. I've lost her. And I dont know if I can get her back. She is using more and more drugs than usual. I'm afraid she's going to die. I guess that's why I cant sleep.

I JUST sent a note to Anthony Rapp...... !!!! AHHH!!!!

Ok, Im really excited because that means he's going to read what I wrote to him!

I've been watching him in RENT non stop for the past 2 weeks so its kind of wierd tht he might be reading something I wrote to him.... oh man. What if he replies? If he replies I will be SOOOOOOOOOOOO happy. Extrememly happy. He will be speaking in SanFran on Feb 14th and 15th. I want to go see him....

Anthony Rapp!!